ready to comply

[semi_stable]

[cw: descriptions of a panic attack, mentions of PTSD]


Things have been going very well for Bucky as of late, so it's no real surprise when he's suddenly knocked on his ass again. That's how it goes, after all. That's his story. That's how it always goes.

This time, all he's doing is walking down the street. He's smiling, almost even laughing, sipping at an iced coffee. He's talking with a friend, gesturing with his prosthetic hand, ungloved and visible to anyone who looks at him, and anyone who did wouldn't even be able to tell how broken he is.

Because he is broken. He always will be in some way or another. His brain was taken apart and put back together over and over again, scrambled and reformed, and he'll never be healed from that, not completely. Not to mention all the trauma and abuse, decades of it, and he can have a few good months but he'll never be totally free.

This is proven to him as he's walking past some sort of street fair out in front of his building. It's noisy, with people milling about and several different radios tuned to different stations drowning each other out. They suddenly all go quiet, music and talking replaced with an eerie, quiet static.

Longing.

The word makes Bucky go still, face draining of color. It's a low, commanding male voice speaking in Russian, and Bucky feels a little like he might throw up.

Rusted.

It's coming from every radio, even one from a car passing by, windows rolled down to take advantage of the nice day. It's coming from everywhere and Bucky's coffee falls from his hand, plastic cracking as it breaks against the pavement. "No."

Furnace.

"No, no, no, please," Bucky pleads in Russian, reaching up to put his hands over his ears. It's so unexpected to hear his trigger words that he forgets for a moment that he's supposed to have been cured of them, rewired during his time in Wakanda. But then he remembers, and it doesn't help. Whoever is behind this place has proven how powerful they are, and who's to say that they didn't undo that, too?

Daybreak.

It's getting louder now, more forceful, and Bucky lets out a panicked shout as he stumbles backwards, breathing heavily and shaking his head. He's flooded so suddenly with adrenaline, like ice water being dumped over his head, and he can hear his heart beating. Air gets stuck in his chest and he can't breathe, and while he recognizes the signs of a panic attack, he can't seem to make it stop. He's too terrified of what might be about to happen to do anything but panic.

Seventeen.

"No, no, not again," he chokes out, turning to run into the lobby of his building to try and get away from it, only to find that they're playing in there too, pumping tinnily out of a speaker in the corner. He chokes out a sob and sinks to the floor, pushing himself back into a corner and covering his ears. Someone follows after him and Bucky holds out his hand. "Stop! Stay back."

Benign.

There are four more. Only four more words until Bucky finds out of the switch in his brain will be flipped, if he'll climb to his feet and stand at attention. Four more words until this city finds out if the Winter Soldier is ready to comply.





[Help him. Have your pup be the person he was walking with and/or the one who finds him in the lobby. Despite his fears, the trigger words will not do anything because he's still cured, but he's still going through one hell of a PTSD episode.]

Comments

[thewrongpath]

Wheezing around the burn of alcohol, Loki croaked, "I'm fine."

It might have been easy enough to leave it at that. Safer, perhaps. For, if nothing else, his pride. But Bucky looked at him, then, hesitant and insecure, and Loki found he couldn't risk the fall out of leaving him to think he'd done something wrong.

"If it wasn't, it's only because I loathe to see you in pain."

[semi_stable]

Bucky doesn't really buy it, but he doesn't want to push, either. He's relieved when Loki explains further and Bucky feels like he suddenly understands. Seeing Bucky like that upset Loki because he cares, and maybe it's the realization of just how much overwhelms him. Bucky can relate to that.

"Ah, I see. You're having feelings," Bucky says with a sly smile, taking a chance on trying to make him laugh. He holds up his glass and leans in, wobbling a little as if he were drunk. "I'll tell you a secret," he says in a stage whisper, just inches from Loki's ear. "I feel them, too."

[thewrongpath]

"Feelings of annoyance," Loki countered haughtily, leaning away to refill his glass. He wanted so desperately to take the other man into his arms that he felt nearly sick with it. Just to hold him. The only other person he'd felt anything comparable with was Sylvie– When she yelled at him. When he knew she felt wounded but was too proud to say. When he woke up beside her on the mornings after she crawled into bed with him. When he did something small to make her happy and she smiled before she could remind herself not to.

Somewhere, Mobius was laughing his bureaucratic ass off.

[semi_stable]

Bucky's expression falls a bit when Loki pulls away from him, but he gets it. If Loki doesn't want to acknowledge like that, so plainly, he understands. It hurts a little, but maybe that's just because of how fragile he feels. Maybe he made it too real.

"Okay," he rasps out, looking at the side of Loki's face for a moment before straightening up and leaning against the back of the sofa, knocking back the rest of his drink as he kicks his feet up onto the coffee table. He sets his empty glass on the side table and picks up the remote for the television. "We won't speak of it."

[thewrongpath]

Across the room, Bopp's eyes seemed to narrow at him warningly. Could a dog appear disappointed?

Yes, apparently so.

He knocked back his drink and set the glass aside.

"Don't," he said, plucking the remote from Bucky's hand. "What would you have me say? I could say that this made more sense to me when I only wanted to fuck you, but that's never been the case."

[semi_stable]

"I didn't ask you to say anything," Bucky replies placidly, but his gaze is steely as he looks over at Loki. He isn't sure how to react to this. Maybe a few weeks ago, he would have. It's strange to suddenly have it coming from the man who sat on the floor and held him while he cried, who made his mark so confidently in one of Bucky's most sacred possessions.

He thinks warily of all the daggers that Loki is holding, and how scraped raw he already feels.

"You don't have to stay, Loki," he says after a moment, and it may seem like he's trying to make Loki feel bad, but he isn't. It's just the truth. He'd rather Loki just go home than sit here struggling with himself. "I'll be okay, really."

[thewrongpath]

"What? I'm not going anywhere. I want to be here," he argued, emboldened by the need to be contrary. He'd thought that Sylvie was the one to hide her feelings behind bristled cruelty, but they were similar in ways even they tended to overlook.

"You did want me to say something, otherwise you wouldn't have been hurt when I didn't," he pointed out. He dragged a hand over his face, drawing in a breath. "I'm not leaving. You'll have to throw me out, and we both know you can't." It was meant to be a joke, but his voice wavered a bit too much to pull it off.

"The truth is, I realized in the kitchen just now that I love you quite dearly, and it seemed to have rattled me a bit. You'll have to forgive me."

[semi_stable]

The more that Loki talks, the more that Bucky feels his own ire start to grow. He doesn't know what he did to make Loki so riled up, and he sits up straighter, nostrils flaring when Loki says that he can't.

"I can damn sure try," Bucky snaps back, and he makes a move to stand up before what Loki says next-- well, it literally knocks him on his ass. He falls back onto the sofa and stares over at Loki in shock, unsure of what to say. His heart sort of leaps because it's unexpected and romantic and kind of a slap in the face all at once.

"Forgive you for what? Finding loving me so damn upsetting?" Bucks asks, voice cracking a little even though he's kind of trying to make a joke. His heart is pounding hard enough that Bopp lifts her head to look at him with her ears perked up, but Bucky gives her a thumbs up, which lets her know that he doesn't need help. "No one I didn't share blood with has ever said that to me before, so give me a minute."

Overwhelmed and unsure how to express it, Bucky turns and kicks Loki in the ankle. "You didn't say nothing. You called me annoying, jackass."

[thewrongpath]

"I said I felt annoyance, not that you were annoying. There's a difference," said Loki, who could argue semantics until Bucky withered away from old age.

His own heartbeat hammered in his chest and Bopp eyed him suspiciously. He gave her a thumbs up of his own, which she seemed to accept with a quietly perturbed hrmph. If a dog could've rolled its eyes, she would've in that moment, he was certain.

"Forgive me for not trusting myself. For being uncertain if I can, or if you should. I..." He looked down at his hands, a rare display of fidgety nervousness. "In a thousand years, I never once made the right choice for love, and while I'd like to think I've changed, can one really turn the page on a millennia of habit?"

[semi_stable]

“Oh, shut up,” Bucky replies, rolling his eyes expansively as Loki argues with him.

Then he goes quiet as Loki gives Bopp a thumbs up, and Bucky listens carefully to what he says. For the first time in his overextended, fucked up life, someone loves him. He’s been loved before, in other ways, like a brother or a friend. But never like this.

It just sort of makes sense that when someone did fall in love with him, they’d be upset about it. Loki talks like he wishes he could rip it out of him and Bucky’s face crumples a little as he looks away from Loki, trying to contain himself.

“I don’t know what you’re trying to say,” Bucky gets out in a voice that’s thick with emotion, wobbly in places. “You make it sound like it’s something you’ve been afflicted with. Like— you don’t want it. I’m sure it’ll pass.”

[thewrongpath]

"What? No. No, I didn't say that. Why in the world would you—" Loki stopped himself, struggling to make sense of how this conversation had gone so terribly off the rails. "I'm afraid of hurting you. That's all. I'm afraid of being selfish with you, as I've always been. I'm not saying I don't want this, only that I was taken aback by it, momentarily."

Loki shifted closer, turning to face him, his knee pressed against Bucky's thigh.

"James, darling, it's not going to pass," he said, using the endearment in an attempt to make Bucky smile, or perhaps because it came to him now without much though. "I'm not upset. Quite the opposite."

[semi_stable]

As Loki speaks, Bucky turns his head to face him with a slightly wary expression that softens the longer he goes on. It makes sense now that he's explained it, and Bucky realizes that he let his own insecurities get the better of him once again. He sighs and reaches out to put his hand on Loki's knee, turning a little to face him better.

"Loki," he says quietly, almost fond, smiling a little as Loki uses his real name. It sounds almost as much of an endearment as darling, since Loki is the only one who calls him that. "Think of how you reacted earlier when I needed you. What about any of that was selfish?"

That isn't to say that Loki will never be selfish, never hurt him, because Bucky is sure that there are moments where he'll do both. Not because he's a bad person, but because he's a person.

"You were there when I needed you. You kept me from going off the rails," Bucky tells him, twisting until he's nearly sideways on the sofa and smiling fondly at him. "I'm not implying that you'll ever be a paragon of virtue, but maybe you should give yourself a little more credit these days when it comes to matters of the heart."

[thewrongpath]

"You'd be surprised," Loki said wryly as he covered Bucky's hand with his own, fingers curling gently around Bucky's palm.

Chuckling softly, Loki ducked his head, a wide but genuine smile flickering across his face.

"I will, if you promise to do the same. You're worth loving, Bucky. I've said as much before. Perhaps we can trust each other in that."

[semi_stable]

Loki takes his hand and Bucky lifts it to press their palms together, watching as their fingers intertwine seamlessly. So very much has happened today, good and bad, but Bucky is pretty content with where they've ended up.

He smiles thoughtfully at Loki's kind words and brings their joined hands together to rest against Bucky's chest, reaching out with his other hand to brush a spilled curl from Loki's forehead, tucking it behind his ear and thumbing at his jaw.

"I will try to believe that, as long as you do the same," Bucky offers, swallowing hard while meeting Loki's gaze. "You're worth loving, too. Maybe we can all make sure to remind each other of that, huh? You, me, and Sylvie."

[thewrongpath]

Chuckling softly, Loki said, "You might want to go easy on her. If you think I reacted badly, you're really in for it."

Hooking a hand behind Bucky's neck, Loki tugged him forward gently, leaning in to rest their foreheads together.

[semi_stable]

"Well, we don't know how she feels," Bucky replies with a chuckle, exhaling in relief when Loki tugs him in closer. He knows that Sylvie cares about him, that what they feel for each other goes beyond friendship, beyond sex, but love? He thinks that he might have loved them for a while now, that he's helpless to it, but he wouldn't have guessed that they loved him.

"Does this mean that you're gonna stay the night and not be a bitch about it?" Bucky teases, shifting closer until he's practically in Loki's lap. "Because I'd like that. The you not being a bitch part, specifically."

[thewrongpath]

"We'll see," Loki agreed, because he certainly couldn't claim to have full knowledge of the inner workings of Sylvie's mind, despite their origins.

"I've always been a bit of a bitch, and it's never seemed to bother you before," Loki pointed out, leaning back against the couch and tugging Bucky the rest of the way into his lap. "I'll behave," he conceded, his head tipped against the back of the couch, his hands resting comfortably on Bucky's hips.

[semi_stable]

"Oh, it bothers me sometimes," Bucky teases, allowing himself to be pulled into Loki's lap. It still amazes him sometimes, both how Loki can move him as if he's lighter than air, and how much he doesn't always seem to mind it. "But you have other redeemable qualities."

He reaches out to put one hand on the back of the sofa, leaning over Loki a little. He opens his mouth and then closes it, hesitating only slightly before lowering his head to press a kiss to Loki's mouth. It's a first kiss of sorts, in a ridiculously sentimental sort of way, but Bucky still lingers in it, reaching up to put his other hand on the side of Loki's face.

[thewrongpath]

Bucky's mouth opened, and Loki frowned curiously when he seemed to think better of it, leaning down instead to steal a kiss.

The kiss was sweet, almost tentative, and Loki allowed Bucky to set the pace of it, remaining soft and pliant under Bucky's warm hands. His lips parted only when coaxed, and while his hands slid up the length of Bucky's back, it was with no pressing urgency.

[semi_stable]

The kiss goes on for a long time, soft and languid, tongues meeting with a relaxed sort of ease. Bucky leans into it, physically and emotionally, wanting all the stress and pain of the day to be washed away by this feeling of safety and security. Eventually, when his lips tingle and his lungs ache, he pulls back enough to let out a hot, shaky breath against Loki's mouth.

"I think I'm in love with you, too," he murmurs quietly, swallowing hard as his hand slides up into Loki's hair and he rests their foreheads together. "It's been there. I was just afraid to admit it to even myself, but you should know."

[thewrongpath]

"Well, I was hoping you might be," Loki admitted with a breathless huff of strangled laughter. His smile was wide but somehow boyish, and he blinked away the sudden sting of unshed tears. Lifting his head, he nudged a kiss to Bucky's brow, another to his temple, then pulled him close, arms tight around him in what could only be a hug.

In a thousand years, he'd never been lucky enough for this, only for it to happen to him twice now. It was sure to all come crashing down around them, but as he'd said: He was too selfish to try and stop it now.

[semi_stable]

Loki looks nearly overcome with emotion, so much so that Bucky has to swallow past a sudden lump in his throat as he thumbs under Loki's eye, gently sweeping a bit of moisture away from the corner of it. He smiles as Loki kisses him tenderly, hugs him fiercely, and he can't help but to grin as his arms go around Loki in return.

For a very long time, Bucky wouldn't have thought it possible to be in love with two people, but he's been proven wrong. It wouldn't work for everyone, and probably wouldn't work for him in any other combination of people, but this works. He knows that Loki loves someone else, and somehow he isn't jealous. He doesn't feel cheated, and maybe that's because that same other person has a piece of Bucky's heart, too. It's strange and unexpected but he likes it. He's grateful for it.

"I think you should probably take me into the bedroom before we traumatize Bopp," Bucky says with a chuckle, biting playfully at the side of Loki's neck as he holds onto him tightly.

[thewrongpath]

With a laugh, Loki shifted his hold on the other man and rose to his feet, grinning against his temple as he edged around the coffee table and carried him into the bedroom.

"I thought we were getting takeaway. If I'd known you only wanted me for sex, I'd have eaten before I arrived," he teased, pressing Bucky's back against the wall just outside the bedroom and stealing a kiss.

[semi_stable]

"Oh, I'm sorry," Bucky says into the kiss, squirming out of Loki's grasp to get his feet back onto the floor and taking his hand to lead him back into the living room. "By all means, let's get you food."

He heads for the kitchen, where there is a drawer full of takeout menus, laughing to himself as he tugs it open. "What are you in the mood for, darling?"

[thewrongpath]

"Oh, no, no," Loki said, even as he allowed himself to be dragged as far as the kitchen. Hooking an arm around Bucky's middle, Loki lifted him off his feet, laughing gleefully as he carried him back towards the bedroom.

"I've committed to this, now. We're getting you naked first."