ready to comply

[semi_stable]

[cw: descriptions of a panic attack, mentions of PTSD]


Things have been going very well for Bucky as of late, so it's no real surprise when he's suddenly knocked on his ass again. That's how it goes, after all. That's his story. That's how it always goes.

This time, all he's doing is walking down the street. He's smiling, almost even laughing, sipping at an iced coffee. He's talking with a friend, gesturing with his prosthetic hand, ungloved and visible to anyone who looks at him, and anyone who did wouldn't even be able to tell how broken he is.

Because he is broken. He always will be in some way or another. His brain was taken apart and put back together over and over again, scrambled and reformed, and he'll never be healed from that, not completely. Not to mention all the trauma and abuse, decades of it, and he can have a few good months but he'll never be totally free.

This is proven to him as he's walking past some sort of street fair out in front of his building. It's noisy, with people milling about and several different radios tuned to different stations drowning each other out. They suddenly all go quiet, music and talking replaced with an eerie, quiet static.

Longing.

The word makes Bucky go still, face draining of color. It's a low, commanding male voice speaking in Russian, and Bucky feels a little like he might throw up.

Rusted.

It's coming from every radio, even one from a car passing by, windows rolled down to take advantage of the nice day. It's coming from everywhere and Bucky's coffee falls from his hand, plastic cracking as it breaks against the pavement. "No."

Furnace.

"No, no, no, please," Bucky pleads in Russian, reaching up to put his hands over his ears. It's so unexpected to hear his trigger words that he forgets for a moment that he's supposed to have been cured of them, rewired during his time in Wakanda. But then he remembers, and it doesn't help. Whoever is behind this place has proven how powerful they are, and who's to say that they didn't undo that, too?

Daybreak.

It's getting louder now, more forceful, and Bucky lets out a panicked shout as he stumbles backwards, breathing heavily and shaking his head. He's flooded so suddenly with adrenaline, like ice water being dumped over his head, and he can hear his heart beating. Air gets stuck in his chest and he can't breathe, and while he recognizes the signs of a panic attack, he can't seem to make it stop. He's too terrified of what might be about to happen to do anything but panic.

Seventeen.

"No, no, not again," he chokes out, turning to run into the lobby of his building to try and get away from it, only to find that they're playing in there too, pumping tinnily out of a speaker in the corner. He chokes out a sob and sinks to the floor, pushing himself back into a corner and covering his ears. Someone follows after him and Bucky holds out his hand. "Stop! Stay back."

Benign.

There are four more. Only four more words until Bucky finds out of the switch in his brain will be flipped, if he'll climb to his feet and stand at attention. Four more words until this city finds out if the Winter Soldier is ready to comply.





[Help him. Have your pup be the person he was walking with and/or the one who finds him in the lobby. Despite his fears, the trigger words will not do anything because he's still cured, but he's still going through one hell of a PTSD episode.]

Comments

[semi_stable]

The words feel like a physical caress down his spine and perhaps it's cliché to say that emotional intimacy makes sex better, but it's true for him. It was never just sex, not with Loki, but it's evolved into something ethereal, something euphoric, because their feelings for one another have done the same.

"I know," Bucky gasps out, and he thinks that in that moment it means more than repeating the words back to Loki would. He knows that it's true, believes it even though his head and his heart are both sometimes so cruel to him, even though he knows that Loki is untrustworthy by nature. Bucky believes him.

"I-- fuck, Loki." Bucky's thrusts go erratic as the pleasure builds and builds, and he bottoms out with another hard thrust against Loki's prostate and then going tense, moaning against Loki's ear as he comes. He's uncharacteristically clumsy with it, but Bucky reaches down with his good hand to grab at Loki's cock, stroking him as his own cock pulses inside the tight grip of Loki's body. "I love you."

[thewrongpath]

With Bucky tense and shuddering against him, Loki cried out, gripping his his tightly to hold him in deep, feeling the pulse of Bucky's cock inside of him. His own orgasm was equally inelegant, shouting wordlessly and his head thrown back as he rocked against him, fucking rather frantically into the friction of Bucky's palm.

They were a mess, come streaked across Bucky's stomach, his chest, and leaking from Loki's ass. He panted, a hand finding its way into Bucky's hair and a low, bemused laugh working its way out of his throat. "Well."

[semi_stable]

It shouldn’t be like this. They’ve been together many times by now, including this morning, but the desperate edge never seems to go away entirely. They fuck each other like they can’t help it, like they have to, like it’s a fiery need that consumes them.

Bucky has never really felt like this before, but maybe this is passion. Maybe it’s love.

“Well,” he echoes, chuckling roughly against the curve of Loki’s throat, licking away a bead of sweat before pulling back to kiss him on the mouth. “I’m never going to get enough of you, am I?”

[thewrongpath]

Loki kissed him, hands on his face, one leg falling from around Bucky's hips, his foot landing heavily on the carpet.

"It'll be a sad day for me, when you do," Loki murmured, and though there was the levity of a joke in his tone, there was something more deeply melancholy beneath the surface. Bucky would grow old, while Loki would not. The lives of humans were comparatively short, and they tended to change more readily than those who had centuries to fill. Bucky would, in all likelihood, grow bored of him, as everyone knew that Loki was ultimately tiresome. If not that, then he would lose him through death or distance or whatever else befell them.

His other foot dropped to the floor, Bucky's cock slipping out of him, and Loki crowded him towards the bed, kissing him again, and again.

[semi_stable]

The words catch Bucky a little off guard and he furrows his brow as Loki turns him back toward the bed, clutching at his face and kissing him almost desperately. When the backs of his knees hit the bed, Bucky stops and reaches up to put his hands over Loki's on his face, pulling back to look at him.

"Hey, hey. Look at me," Bucky assures him breathlessly, panting against Loki's mouth and kissing him again, putting his good hand on the side of Loki's head and forcing him to meet his eye. "It's not gonna happen, sweetheart."

[thewrongpath]

Loki softened, affection gripping his insides and twisting in a way he was only just becoming familiar with.

"It's all right, I know," Loki murmured, meeting Bucky's eyes. He wasn't going to argue that this wasn't something that could be promised. Regardless, the sentiment was appreciated. In the end, Loki knew that all he would ever want for with Bucky would be more time, but there was no point in dwelling on it now.

[semi_stable]

It occurs to Bucky then just what will happen if they’re given the time they both want so badly. Bucky will age before their eyes and the realization strikes him like a physical blow. His breath hitches and he swallows hard, feeling a sting behind his eyes.

It hurts to know that they can’t grow old together, but at the same time, what a gift to have the possibility of so many good years. There is no telling what might happen in the future, especially in a place like this, but it makes him emotional all the same. He never thought that he would even have the chance.

“I love you,” Bucky says again, falling back onto the bed and pulling Loki with him, dragging him up so their bodies are aligned and he can kiss Loki again, pulling from the seemingly endless well of passion that comes along with being loved by this man.

[thewrongpath]

Loki could see that moment of clarity in Bucky's eyes, and was struck by an odd mix of regret and something akin to shame. He'd thought it a pitiable weakness, when Thor had fallen in love with a mortal, and would've happily thrown it in his brother's face that he and his Midgardian scientist had no future together.

Now, he understood what it meant to hope for something, knowing it would ultimately end in tragedy. But perhaps that was what it meant to share your life with someone. Life would eventually come to an end. Even Loki's.

Falling gracelessly onto the bed with a muffled grunt, Loki pulled Bucky into a lingering kiss, hoping it would serve as some small comfort. "Don't go getting melancholy on me now. We were having such a nice time."

[semi_stable]

"You started it," Bucky mumbles into the kiss, wrapping his metal arm around Loki's waist as his other hand goes to the man's face, brushing his dark, messy hair back from his forehead. "I'm not melancholy. I've already had so many more years than I was supposed to. I used to think it was a curse."

He should have died when he fell from that train. All the years after came from scientific intervention, and they were his own personal hell. Over and over again, he wished that he would have died. Even after Steve found him and he started getting his memories back, the thought still plagued him. But things changed, and now he's grateful for the extra time.

"I don't anymore," he says after a moment, dragging his fingers through Loki's hair again and cupping the side of his face, thumbing tenderly at the corner of his eye before lifting his head to kiss him again.

[thewrongpath]

Arms around him, Loki cradled him close, kissing him deeply but in no hurry to go further.

"I know we're all restless here, but I find it hard to resent this place, for all it's given us," he admitted, and though he'd never be so cruel as to admit as much to Sylvie, he felt a bit similarly towards the TVA. Without it, he never would've found her, and while he believed himself capable of always landing on his feet, there was nothing in any of his futures that he would've traded for that.

[semi_stable]

Loki cages him in against the bed, weighing him down, and Bucky finds it all comforting only because it's him. He relaxes against the bed and returns the kiss with his eyes closed, only opening them when Loki pulls away to speak.

"I know what you mean," he breathes out in reply, reaching up to comb Loki's hair away from his face with his fingers, tucking it behind his ear, thumbing at his jaw. He swallows hard and touches Loki's chin, biting his lip, and then makes an admission of his own. "I stopped wanting to try and find a way out some time ago."

[thewrongpath]

"No more night swims to punch at the edge of the world?" Loki asked, eyes bright with amusement and with warmth, hand curling around Bucky's and pressing his lips to the heel of Bucky's palm.

"I suspect Sylvie's always going to want to go, if only to take stock of the mess we made. But I can't leave, not by choice, if it's not all of us together."

[semi_stable]

"I guess not. I have other ways to burn off energy now," he replies with a soft chuckle, watching as Loki kisses his palm. They've spent almost all morning in bed, having sex and basking in the afterglow for so long that the sun has gotten high in the sky, like it's nearly midday. This is so unlike Bucky, but maybe that's a good thing.

It's like who he was before, and while he knows that he can never be that carefree young man again, he wants to be someone like him.

Loki's words take Bucky a little by surprise and his expression goes slack as he looks up at Loki, brow furrowing as he processes it. He swallows hard, feeling a little overwhelmed by the rush of emotion that the statement brings.

"You really wouldn't?" Bucky asks in a thick voice, looking almost embarrassed by his reaction. It just means a lot to him to be chosen so deliberately.

[thewrongpath]

"Do you really think either of us would leave you behind?" Loki said with a frown, his fingers slipping through Bucky's hair.

He shouldn't, and really couldn't, speak for Sylvie, but he knew her well enough to guess that she'd already made the firm assumption that Bucky would come with them on whatever foolhardy journey lay before them.

[semi_stable]

"It wouldn't be the first time I got left behind," Bucky says, and he tries to say it with some levity, like he isn't talking about one of the worst things to happen to him. "But-- no, I don't. I guess I juts never really thought about it."

They wouldn't leave him for something better. The realization makes him feel as if he's been wrapped in a warn blanket, soft and sentimental, and his eyes crinkle as he looks up at Loki with a blinding smile.

"You just assume that I'd go with you two on your wacky journey through time?" He teases, chuckling as he nudges their noses together.

[thewrongpath]

"Of course," he teased, even though it wasn't entirely true. He hadn't assumed it would be as easy as all that, but he knew that gallivanting off without him wouldn't be a possibility. "What's the point of staying here, if we're not around to keep you entertained?"

Bucky smiled so widely, so earnest, that Loki felt woefully sentimental, warmth blossoming in his chest and a silly grin finding its way onto his face.

"And if not, I'm prepared to knock you unconscious and carry you off on my shoulder, if it comes to it."

[semi_stable]

The words serve a little like a balm to Bucky's insecurities. Loki and Sylvie live together, and they share this incredible bond, and it's hard not to sometimes feel like he's on the outside of it all. It's no one's fault. How could he not be? But reassurances like this help, and Bucky smiles wide, laughing a little.

"I'm pretty sure that I'll follow you guys wherever you'd let me," he says quietly, expression softening. "So yeah, count me in."

[thewrongpath]

"You make yourself sound like a lost puppy," Loki pointed out, propping his head up on the heel of his hand and looking down at Bucky with a softening smile of his own.

"If there was somewhere you needed to go, I'd like to hope you'd want me there with you. Though, I can't imagine I'd be particularly welcome in your circles."

[semi_stable]

"I feel like one sometimes," he admits with a low chuckle, and then shakes his head a little at the comment, expression sobering.

"I don't really have circles these days." He shrugs and then stretches his arms over his head. "Just Sam, I guess. He's who Steve picked to take on the mantle before he left."

[thewrongpath]

Loki's eyes narrowed.

"Never heard of him," he said, pointedly dismissive. He thought the whole affair was ridiculous, but realized in the moment that he would've assumed Bucky to be the logical successor of Captain America. Of course, he was selfishly glad not to have to come to terms with being in love with someone carrying the mantle, but it was strange, nonetheless.

"Is he as insufferable as his predecessor?" Loki said, as charitably as possible.

[semi_stable]

"More so," Bucky replies, giving Loki a vague look. It's a hard thing to talk about in general, but especially with someone with such a complicated connection to Steve. "After we beat Thanos, immediately after, Steve gave the shield to Sam and left. Then Sam left, and everybody else left, and I got swept up in court dates and mandatory therapy sessions while the government stuck me in an apartment in Brooklyn and waited to see if I'd try to kill everyone again."

He smiles sadly and then shrugs a little, looking away. "I was Captain America's right hand man for a long time, but after everything that happened-- it wasn't ever gonna be me. My reputation was destroyed."

[thewrongpath]

"Hm," Loki hummed noncommittally, though the expression on his face made his feelings on the matter clear enough.

"Unfortunately, I'm not sure that being with me will be much of a boost," Loki admitted, frowning a bit as the other man looked pointedly away.

"Whatever happens, I think we can safely say that we're stuck with one another."

[semi_stable]

"Yeah, well," Bucky says as he turns his head to look up at Loki again, reaching up to cradle the side of his face. "Fuck 'em."

The words make Bucky smile a little, and he hesitates before speaking again. He tries not to talk about Steve too much with Loki, not for any particular reason. Or perhaps for several reasons. But in moments like this, when he's dazed and worn out and feeling safe, held in the cradle of Loki's arms, bracketed by his strong thighs, he feels like he can say anything.

"Steve and I had this thing we'd say to each other. 'I'm with you 'til the end of the line'," he says to Loki, repeating the words with a sort of wistfulness. "It was sort of like my touchstone, y'know? No matter what, I had him." His eyes glass over and he laughs a little, sad and bitter. "I guess I just never imagined the line would actually end."

There has to be a point to why he's saying all this, but Bucky isn't quite sure what it is. He huffs out another bemused breath and turns his head when a tear slips from his eye, feeling faintly embarrassed. "It just fucked me up in ways that I never anticipated. I just-- I never thought he'd leave me behind. And if he did, anyone could."

Bucky hopes that Loki won't take offense to this. He just feels like he needs to explain why he's so insecure in all of this, so convinced that they'll get sick of him, even though it isn't the same.

[thewrongpath]

"Most people would say that you'd be a fool to trust anything I tell you," Loki said, and it wasn't an admission so much as an acknowledgement of what they both knew to be true. "There's only so many times that I can say I've changed before it begins to sound rather desperate, I know that. But the fact of you trusting me at all, despite your aforementioned scars, seems rather momentous, to me. "

Cupping Bucky's cheek, he brushed away the tear before it slipped down his temple. "We're all rather broken, in our own ways, I think." He smiled ruefully, "So, fuck 'em."

[semi_stable]

"Like catching lightning in a bottle," Bucky replies with a chuckle, and then wrinkles his nose on contrition. "Perhaps not the best analogy. Maybe that wasn't so rare where you're from."

Loki curses and it makes him laugh, nodding as he smirks ruefully and pats Loki's cheek. His expression sobers a little and he thumbs at the corner of Loki's eye, sliding his fingers back to curl around the base of his skull.

"But I do trust you. I believe you," Bucky says sincerely, smiling as he lifts his head to press a soft kiss to the corner of Loki's mouth, biting playfully at his chin to try and lighten the mood. "Because trying to take over a planet would hurt my feelings, and you'd never do that, would you?"