ready to comply

[semi_stable]

[cw: descriptions of a panic attack, mentions of PTSD]


Things have been going very well for Bucky as of late, so it's no real surprise when he's suddenly knocked on his ass again. That's how it goes, after all. That's his story. That's how it always goes.

This time, all he's doing is walking down the street. He's smiling, almost even laughing, sipping at an iced coffee. He's talking with a friend, gesturing with his prosthetic hand, ungloved and visible to anyone who looks at him, and anyone who did wouldn't even be able to tell how broken he is.

Because he is broken. He always will be in some way or another. His brain was taken apart and put back together over and over again, scrambled and reformed, and he'll never be healed from that, not completely. Not to mention all the trauma and abuse, decades of it, and he can have a few good months but he'll never be totally free.

This is proven to him as he's walking past some sort of street fair out in front of his building. It's noisy, with people milling about and several different radios tuned to different stations drowning each other out. They suddenly all go quiet, music and talking replaced with an eerie, quiet static.

Longing.

The word makes Bucky go still, face draining of color. It's a low, commanding male voice speaking in Russian, and Bucky feels a little like he might throw up.

Rusted.

It's coming from every radio, even one from a car passing by, windows rolled down to take advantage of the nice day. It's coming from everywhere and Bucky's coffee falls from his hand, plastic cracking as it breaks against the pavement. "No."

Furnace.

"No, no, no, please," Bucky pleads in Russian, reaching up to put his hands over his ears. It's so unexpected to hear his trigger words that he forgets for a moment that he's supposed to have been cured of them, rewired during his time in Wakanda. But then he remembers, and it doesn't help. Whoever is behind this place has proven how powerful they are, and who's to say that they didn't undo that, too?

Daybreak.

It's getting louder now, more forceful, and Bucky lets out a panicked shout as he stumbles backwards, breathing heavily and shaking his head. He's flooded so suddenly with adrenaline, like ice water being dumped over his head, and he can hear his heart beating. Air gets stuck in his chest and he can't breathe, and while he recognizes the signs of a panic attack, he can't seem to make it stop. He's too terrified of what might be about to happen to do anything but panic.

Seventeen.

"No, no, not again," he chokes out, turning to run into the lobby of his building to try and get away from it, only to find that they're playing in there too, pumping tinnily out of a speaker in the corner. He chokes out a sob and sinks to the floor, pushing himself back into a corner and covering his ears. Someone follows after him and Bucky holds out his hand. "Stop! Stay back."

Benign.

There are four more. Only four more words until Bucky finds out of the switch in his brain will be flipped, if he'll climb to his feet and stand at attention. Four more words until this city finds out if the Winter Soldier is ready to comply.





[Help him. Have your pup be the person he was walking with and/or the one who finds him in the lobby. Despite his fears, the trigger words will not do anything because he's still cured, but he's still going through one hell of a PTSD episode.]

Comments

[thewrongpath]

Loki shifted closer, holding Bucky's hand to his chest, the other sliding up to curve gently along the side of Bucky's neck.

"So were you," Loki said, realizing a bit too late that it might not have been what he'd wanted to hear, even though it was true. Loki was the last person in the world to make value judgments about that sort of thing, but while he wouldn't insult Bucky so far as to take away all his responsibility, he knew the other man was as much a victim as all the people he'd been used to murder.

[semi_stable]

The words make him flinch a little, teeth gritting, and he huffs out a breath as he looks away from Loki. Steve had said something similar once, that he wasn't in control of himself, that it wasn't his fault. Even coming from two people he cares so deeply about, it isn't much of a comfort, and he says now what he said then.

"But I still did it," he says helplessly, jaw working as he turns his gaze back on Loki. Months of therapy can't erase what it felt like to have the gun in his hands, to watch the life drain out of his target's eyes over and over again. He can't stop thinking that he should have fought harder. He should have been stronger. "They're all still dead because of me."

[thewrongpath]

"I know. You have to live with that, and it's a burden you'll continue to carry, but Bucky, what if it had been the other way around? What if she'd been the one they captured? Tortured. Brainwashed. What if they'd put a gun in her hands? Would she be at fault? Would she be a murderer?"

Bucky looked him dead in the eyes, defiant in the need to shoulder blame for what had been done to him, and Loki looked right back.

"I imagine you'd feel quite differently, then."

[semi_stable]

"She would be a murderer," Bucky tells him, but he goes quiet at the rest of it. He's irritated by Loki's attempt at logic, and he swallows hard as he looks away. He thinks of Natasha, and learning how she'd gone through something similar. They had tried to kill each other at some point, both of them brainwashed and trained to end lives.

She was a murderer, and she sacrificed herself to save the world. He takes a breath and glares at Loki, but there's very little heat in it.

"Logic doesn't always work on emotions," he admits, because no, he wouldn't blame that girl. He shouldn't blame himself either, but he does. He can't seem to help it. "I can't make it go away."

[thewrongpath]

"Well, murder implies conscious intent," Loki countered evenly, brow arched, even in the face of Bucky's obvious irritation. He sighed, carefully studying Bucky's profile, his face pointedly turned away.

"Of course not. My apologies," Loki murmured, his hand sliding from Bucky's neck once again, settling once against to rub gently, soothingly along his sternum. "My only hope was that you could see yourself the way I see you, that's all."

[semi_stable]

"A killer," Bucky says, turning back to face Loki with a glower. They can argue the semantics all day, but Bucky killed those people. Whether he meant to or not, he's the reason that they're dead.

The fight seems to leave him as Loki rubs at his chest, and Bucky sags back against the headboard, jaw working as he swallows hard. There's a part of him that's resigned to this, certain that it will always be a part of him, but he's distracted from that dark train of thought by Loki speaking.

"And what way is that?" Bucky asks in a low, tired voice, because right now he's having a hard time coming up with reasons for Loki to still be here, soothing him like a child.

[thewrongpath]

Sighing, Loki paused a moment, collecting his thoughts.

"Well... I've watched you— the way you were on that island. The way you are with people in need. With children. Simply put, you're one of the good guys, Bucky. And I know it's not because of any need to atone or balance the scales. It's what you've always been. You were made to be a weapon, but that's not what you are," he explained, adding with a rueful smile, "I should know, because you're all the things I'm not. All the things I haven't been."

[semi_stable]

Bucky isn't really expecting such a thoughtful reply, and his lower lip wobbles as he watches Loki speak. It's everything that he wants to believe about himself and he swallows hard, blowing out a breath as he reaches out to put his hand on Loki's shoulder.

"Are you saying that I'm a good example?" He jokes weakly, mostly because he feels like he's about to cry and he really doesn't want to do that. "I guess you'll have to keep me around, then."

[thewrongpath]

"I am. It's awful," Loki teased, lifting his hand briefly from Bucky's chest to thumb gently at his trembling chin. "And yet, I have no intention of letting you go."

Shifting to settle against Bucky's side, Loki slipped an arm around his shoulder, lips pressed to Bucky's brow and a hand resting over the beat of his heart.

"Hearing those words again... I imagine it's going to take a bit of time to shake," Loki acknowledged, his lips pressed into a mournful smile.

[semi_stable]

“Well, I do like rubbing off on you,” Bucky jokes weakly, sniffing a bit as he lets Loki reel him in close. He shifts down a bit and rests his head on Loki’s shoulder, lifting his arm as Bopp moves to lay across their laps, nose tucked between their bodies.

“Good. I’d hate it if you did,” admits quietly, turning to press a kiss to Loki’s jaw as he strokes Bopp between the ears, breathing in deeply and feeling his chest lift under Loki’s palm. “Probably, but I’ve been getting them since I escaped.”

[thewrongpath]

Chuckling softly, Loki returned the kiss with a warm press of lips to Bucky's brow. They both settled against him, Bucky tucked safely against his side and Bopp a warm, unfamiliar weight across his thighs. It was terribly domestic, but he found he didn't mind quite so much.

"Are they always so intense?" Loki murmured, lips pressed into a thin line. "No wonder you don't sleep."

[semi_stable]

"Not always," Bucky sighs out, carding his fingers through Bopp's fur and scratching between her shoulders, which makes her back foot twitch. "This one was particularly bad."

The reason why is obvious, but it's still frustrating. It's difficult to live a life on so little sleep, waking up tossing and turning at night.

"Now you understand why I'm such a bright and sunny person," he says dryly, sighing deeply and closing his eyes. "I'm sure staying here isn't very restful. I'm sorry."

[thewrongpath]

"I want to be here, don't apologize," Loki said firmly, adding with a softening smile, "It's too bad that fucking your brains out wasn't the sedative it was last time."

He kissed the top of Bucky's head, stroking a hand soothingly up and down Bucky's arm as he held him close.

[semi_stable]

That makes Bucky laugh, quiet but genuine, and he shifts his head to look at the clock. It's nearly four in the morning, which surprises Bucky a little, especially considering how early they'd gone to bed.

"Hey, this is still the longest I've slept in a long time," he admits, smiling a little at the pressure of Loki's mouth against the top of his head. It's an intimate place to kiss someone. So much of what they do is so intimate, so private, and it's a little overwhelming, only because he never expected to have it.

"It does seem to do the trick," he says with a bit of sincere awe, because both times that Loki has fucked him now, he's slept like a rock for a few hours afterward. It could be simply because he's worn out, but he imagines that isn't really the reason.

[thewrongpath]

"The perfect cure of insomnia," Loki chuckled softly, "If you're ever in need of an extra hour or two, I suppose you know who to call."

He was quiet for a moment, running a hand down the length of Bopp's back, his lips quirked at the way she seemed to shudder with pleasure. She was simple, easy to please, and he could see why having her around made Bucky feel more centered.

"There's going to be dog hair all over these clean sheets," Loki observed, though he didn't sound very perturbed by it.

[semi_stable]

“And you’ll come running, huh?” He says it like a joke, like Loki would drop everything to come fuck him into a restful slumber, but it also makes Bucky feel an unexpected swell of emotion. If he needed Loki for anything, not just sex, he knows that Loki could come. Loki would be there for him, maybe even really drop everything, and that means so much.

“There’s dog hair on everything I own,” he replies with a chuckle, lifting his head to press a lingering kiss to Loki’s jaw, just because he wants to. “That’s what you have to contend with when staying here.”

He laughs a little, settling his cheek against Loki’s shoulder again. “The sex is good, but there’s also dog hair and psychological trauma.”

[thewrongpath]

"The sex is terribly good," Loki agreed, his cheek resting against the top of Bucky's head. "The moments between aren't so bad, either."

In truth, the moments between were some of the best he'd ever had. Sylvie and Bucky both were teaching him what it was like, not only to be content with someone else, but also, to be content with himself.

[semi_stable]

“Nah, they’re pretty good too,” Bucky admits, because while sex with Loki is among the best he’s ever had, that isn’t what the foundation of their relationship was built on. Sex came later, after friendship, and he’s grateful for that.

“But if I do happen to go back to sleep, you have my permission to wake me up in a sexy way,” he says with a chuckle, and it could be taken as a joke, but he means it. He trusts Loki enough to touch him while he sleeps, because Loki has already seen him at his most vulnerable.

He’s seen Bucky at his worst, his most broken and defeated, and he’s still here.

[thewrongpath]

"Are you granting permission, or making a request?" Loki teased, smiling softly into Bucky's hair, which was still charmingly mussed from sleep.

While they might not find sleep easily, a quiet settled over them, and after a moment, Loki asked, "Shall I turn out the lights?"

[semi_stable]

“Maybe a little bit of both,” he admits with a small chuckle, because while he’s not in the mood just now, he’s discovered that he’s very much a fan of sleepy morning sex. He likes the intimacy of it, the closeness.

“Yeah, please,” Bucky says with a sigh, shifting and patting the edge of the bed so Bopp can move to the side, giving Bucky room to shift down and lay on his back. He’s not sure if he’ll fall back to sleep, especially considering that he’s already gotten more sleep than he usually does, but he’s game to try.

Once they’re in the dark, Bopp on one side of him and Loki on the other, Bucky reaches out to put his hand on Loki’s stomach, fingertips lightly scratching through the soft hair below his navel. “Thank you.”

[thewrongpath]

With a bit of magic, the lights turned off, plunging the room into the full dark of early morning. Loki covered Bucky's hand with his own, fingers lacing together, and with a low hum of assent, he urged Bucky over onto his side. Their joined hands held against Bucky's chest, Loki stretched out along his back, slotting up behind him in a mirror of their position from earlier.

"In that case, I'll see you in the morning," he murmured, smiling against the nape of Bucky's neck.

[semi_stable]

When Loki nudges him onto his side, Bucky goes willingly, and there’s a tiny thrum of arousal when he thinks about being put in this position hours earlier. But this time, Loki just presses in close, his chest molded to Bucky’s back, and presses their joined hands to Bucky’s chest.

He’s being held, tenderly and warmly, and Bucky lets out a slow breath as he relaxes, sinking into the embrace. Bopp stretches out in front of him, her furry back warm against his stomach, and Bucky smiles as he closes his eyes.

He had expected to lay there awake and restless, but instead he drifts to sleep again, safely nestled between two of his fiercest protectors.

[thewrongpath]

When Loki next awoke, the sun filtered through Bucky's curtains, casting the room in milky, early morning light. He hadn't realized he'd even fallen asleep, lulled by the steady rhythm of Bucky's breathing, and the warmth of their bodies pressed together.

Lifting his head, Loki squinted blearily, finding that Bopp had moved to her bed across the room. She lifted her own head to peer back at him, before settling back down with a huff.

Bucky, however, was still warm and sleepy in his arms, his ass nestled back in the cradle of Loki's hips. With a low, rumbling groan of sleepy pleasure, Loki rocked against him, his half hard cock nudging against Bucky's tailbone.

Loki kissed his neck, lifting a hand to card through Bucky's hair, a smile curving his lips as he felt the other man beginning to stir.

[semi_stable]

This time, awareness comes to Bucky slowly. He’s on his side, one knee drawn up to brace himself against the bed, and he’s still mostly asleep when Loki rocks against him. The fingers in his hair wake him up enough to realize what’s happening and who’s doing it, but he doesn’t open his eyes.

Loki will know that he’s awake, surely, but Bucky wants to see what he’ll do, so he stays where he is, eyes closed and head resting against the pillow, ass tipped back and settled in the cradle of Loki’s hips.

The sun is warm and bright, tumbling through the window and making him close his eyes tighter, and the nightmare from hours ago feels far away now, held at bay by Loki’s strong arms, and he’s almost afraid to get up and break the spell.

[thewrongpath]

Loki could feel him come awake, his hips subtly pressing into the pressure of Loki's cock and his eyes fluttering against the brightening of the sun. Chuckling softly, Loki kissed his shoulder, the bolt of his jaw, while his hand slipped lower, cupping Bucky's cock through his sweats.

"Faker," he teased, arching against him lazily, his thumb brushing over the head of Bucky's cock through soft, worn cotton.