ready to comply

[semi_stable]

[cw: descriptions of a panic attack, mentions of PTSD]


Things have been going very well for Bucky as of late, so it's no real surprise when he's suddenly knocked on his ass again. That's how it goes, after all. That's his story. That's how it always goes.

This time, all he's doing is walking down the street. He's smiling, almost even laughing, sipping at an iced coffee. He's talking with a friend, gesturing with his prosthetic hand, ungloved and visible to anyone who looks at him, and anyone who did wouldn't even be able to tell how broken he is.

Because he is broken. He always will be in some way or another. His brain was taken apart and put back together over and over again, scrambled and reformed, and he'll never be healed from that, not completely. Not to mention all the trauma and abuse, decades of it, and he can have a few good months but he'll never be totally free.

This is proven to him as he's walking past some sort of street fair out in front of his building. It's noisy, with people milling about and several different radios tuned to different stations drowning each other out. They suddenly all go quiet, music and talking replaced with an eerie, quiet static.

Longing.

The word makes Bucky go still, face draining of color. It's a low, commanding male voice speaking in Russian, and Bucky feels a little like he might throw up.

Rusted.

It's coming from every radio, even one from a car passing by, windows rolled down to take advantage of the nice day. It's coming from everywhere and Bucky's coffee falls from his hand, plastic cracking as it breaks against the pavement. "No."

Furnace.

"No, no, no, please," Bucky pleads in Russian, reaching up to put his hands over his ears. It's so unexpected to hear his trigger words that he forgets for a moment that he's supposed to have been cured of them, rewired during his time in Wakanda. But then he remembers, and it doesn't help. Whoever is behind this place has proven how powerful they are, and who's to say that they didn't undo that, too?

Daybreak.

It's getting louder now, more forceful, and Bucky lets out a panicked shout as he stumbles backwards, breathing heavily and shaking his head. He's flooded so suddenly with adrenaline, like ice water being dumped over his head, and he can hear his heart beating. Air gets stuck in his chest and he can't breathe, and while he recognizes the signs of a panic attack, he can't seem to make it stop. He's too terrified of what might be about to happen to do anything but panic.

Seventeen.

"No, no, not again," he chokes out, turning to run into the lobby of his building to try and get away from it, only to find that they're playing in there too, pumping tinnily out of a speaker in the corner. He chokes out a sob and sinks to the floor, pushing himself back into a corner and covering his ears. Someone follows after him and Bucky holds out his hand. "Stop! Stay back."

Benign.

There are four more. Only four more words until Bucky finds out of the switch in his brain will be flipped, if he'll climb to his feet and stand at attention. Four more words until this city finds out if the Winter Soldier is ready to comply.





[Help him. Have your pup be the person he was walking with and/or the one who finds him in the lobby. Despite his fears, the trigger words will not do anything because he's still cured, but he's still going through one hell of a PTSD episode.]

Comments

[semi_stable]

"And here I thought that I was playing it close to the vest." He's teasing, because while he is usually quite reserved, he's sure that Loki can see right through him. Sometimes, Bucky even hopes that he can.

"Oh, no, no," he adds with a chuckle, eyes darkening a little as he stares at Loki's mouth. He loves Loki's voice, loves his accent, and routinely finds himself turned on by it, and this new accent is no exception. He's glad that it's temporary, but right now it's almost like a balm for his homesickness. Not just for New York, but his New York. "Nothing that I want to do with you right now involves leaving this apartment."

[thewrongpath]

"Later, then," Loki said, curling a hand along the back of Bucky's neck and pulling him into an achingly thorough kiss.

He could've done away with the silly clothes in an instant, but he preferred the idea of Bucky peeling them off of him, bit by bit.

"Hm, yes. I haven't a clue what your intentions are, right now. Perhaps you ought to be a bit more demonstrative."

[semi_stable]

Loki kisses him deeply, kisses him so good that Bucky gets lost in it a little, feeling slightly dazed by the time Loki finally releases him. His eyes open and he sees Loki staring back at him with a clean cut look and open desire in his eyes, looking like something that Bucky might have daydreamed up in his twenties.

"You'd prefer it if I were forward?" Bucky asks, breathlessly polite, smirking as he reaches down between Loki's thighs to palm at the bulge in his trousers, thumb circling the head through the fabric. "Like this?"

[thewrongpath]

Loki laughed, a genuine, almost nasal giggle and a bright, wicked smile stretched across his face. Despite the clothes, he was entirely Loki, in that moment. Though, he was the Loki completely, utterly besotted with this infuriating man.

"Yes, that's rather difficult to misinterpret," he said breathlessly, his hand having found its way under the elastic of Bucky's sweats, his palm curving over the length of Bucky's cock almost casually.

"Tell me what you want, and you'll have it."

[semi_stable]

“Oh, boy,” Bucky groans out, feeling a bit like a kid in a candy store at the offer. Or actually, that saying isn’t quite accurate for the situation. Bucky’s been a kid in a candy store, and it was often frustrating. He didn’t have the pocket money for the sweets that he wanted most of the time, so he would settle for something safer, something more acceptable.

But now he’s been given free reign. He can touch and take whatever he’d like, and he has no idea where to begin. When Loki palms at his cock, Bucky groans, mouth falling open, and it’s stupid really, just how much Loki gets him going.

“I want to suck you off,” he finally decides, fisting his hands in Loki’s sweater and kissing him again, deep and longing, and then shifts to slide down onto his knees at the side of the bed, patting the mattress. “While you look just like that. Come here.”

[thewrongpath]

They seemed to be spinning through the rolodex of Bucky's fantasies that morning, and Loki could hardly complain. Urged willingly towards the edge of the bed, Loki leaned back on his hands, knees falling open, one draping itself over Bucky's shoulder.

Eyes sparkling brightly, Loki buried a hand in Bucky's hair and said, "Is this what you thought about at night, in your bed? Your mouth around the cock of some clean-cut, pretty boy in the balcony of the picture show?"

[semi_stable]

Loki moves fluidly, positioning himself where Bucky wants him and burying his fingers in Bucky’s thick hair, tipping his head back so Bucky has to look up at him. As if there’s anywhere else he’d rather look.

The words make him blush and shiver at the same time, but Loki knows by now that Bucky likes that feeling. He loves it when Loki talks to him like this, dirty and confident, so aware of Bucky’s desires. It makes him feel not only seen, but met head on. And it makes him desperately hard.

“At the movies? God, I don’t even think my imagination was that brave,” Bucky admits with a chuckle, but he doesn’t deny the rest of it, because he thought about it all the time, how it would feel to stretch his mouth around a cock, to have it on his tongue, down his throat. It wasn’t until he was eighteen that he got to try it, and it wasn’t like this. It wasn’t at a picture show, either. It was rushed and illicit and Bucky had spit on the ground when it was over, feeling used, and the guy was gone before Bucky even finished wiping his mouth.

“That sounds like your fantasy,” Bucky says in a husky voice, reaching up to undo Loki’s belt and open his trousers, chuckling at the standard white briefs underneath. Instead of pulling his pants down, Bucky tugs down the elastic and hooks it under Loki’s balls, thumbing at the swell of them as he presses an almost chaste kiss to the head of Loki’s cock, making sure he’s watching before he opens his mouth to take a lick. He spends a moment playing dumb, looking up at Loki with wide blue eyes, and then he realizes what it is that he really wants, expression sobering a little.

“My first time doing this was not a good experience,” he admits, swallowing hard and looking away for a moment before making eye contact again, hesitating briefly. “Do you think— maybe we could pretend it was this instead.”

It’s probably silly, and he bites his bottom lip and swallows hard, shaking his head a little as he reaches up to curl his fingers around the shaft. “Forget it. What’s done is done.”

No one knows that better than him.

[thewrongpath]

"Perhaps it is. We could buy out a box at the ballet and see how much we could get away with," Loki suggested, his own accent slipping through, for a moment.

Bucky's eyes were wide, a bit coy, playing up the game of inexperience and illicit desire. Loki's own first experiences were long ago, pleasurable but fleeting, and memorable only for the feeling of accomplishment and power he'd felt in the moments afterward.

But then Bucky spoke, his insecurities breaking through the facade, and Loki framed Bucky's face in his hands, fingers curling up into his hair.

"Maybe I'm not your first," Loki said, slipping back into the American accent, "But I'll be damned if I'm not the one that counts."

[semi_stable]

It's the perfect response, Bucky realizes. Loki doesn't claim to try and erase the past, doesn't make flowery promises about being his last or only, just tells the truth. He's the one that matters. Bucky grins, reassured and also amused by the American accent, bold and patriotic.

"You've made sure of that," he says with a soft laugh, stroking his hand up Loki's cock as he leans up to press a lingering kiss to his mouth, playfully nudging their noses together before sinking down again, smirking a little. "We can circle back to that ballet idea."

Bucky takes a breath and looks down at Loki's cock, thumbing at the foreskin and dragging it back a little, licking at the rim of it. With Loki, he has more time to explore. It isn't a rush to the finish, so he digs the tip of his tongue into Loki's slit, tasting the salty tang of him and replacing his thumb with the tip of his tongue, working it under the foreskin a little before swirling it around the head and pulling it into his mouth, humming as he keeps his eyes on Loki's face.

[thewrongpath]

Chuckling against Bucky's mouth, Loki found himself smiling foolishly, infinitely charmed by the easy affection they seemed able to give to one another. "I'm holding you to that," he murmured, his breath hitching at the first touch of Bucky's tongue to his cock.

"Are you really going to make me keep this ridiculous sweater on?" He teased, thumbing at the corner of Bucky's mouth, his touch gentle and affectionate, despite his almost comically raging erection.

[semi_stable]

"You're ruining it," Bucky murmurs against Loki's shaft, eyes sparkling with amusement as Loki touches him. He teases a bit longer, fingers stroking over his balls as he gives little kitten licks to the sensitive spot just under the head of his cock, and then opens his mouth and pulls Loki into it, groaning as he slides along Bucky's tongue, nudging the back of his throat.

He's too eager at first, even chokes a little, and he pulls off with a spluttering sort of laugh, cheeks burning as he gives Loki a look like he's daring him to comment. And then he tries again, sucking Loki down and breathing through his nose as he swallows around the head of his cock, seemingly determined to get it all the way down his throat. He's never done that before, and what better time for a first?

[thewrongpath]

"I'm doing no such thing," he murmured amiably, drawing in a hiss of breath at the maddening tease of those little swipes of Bucky's tongue.

He dove in, a bit too eager, and Loki's mouth dropped open with alarm when Bucky man choked, then chuckled along with him when he pulled back to catch his breath. "Careful," he murmured warmly, a low, shuddering sigh working its way out of his chest as he was swallowed down once again. Palming the back of Bucky's neck, he gave him a encouraging squeeze, the other hand carding through his hair.

[semi_stable]

Loki doesn't try and stop him or help him, patient with Bucky as always, and his eyes flutter shut in pleasure as Loki squeezes the back of his neck. His metal arm curls around Loki's thigh where it rests over his shoulder, palming at his knee, while his other hand slides curls around Loki's hip. Determined, he pulls back to inhale and try again, this time adjusting the angle before trying to swallow.

This time, it works. Loki's cock slides impossibly into his throat and Bucky's eyes open, lashes clumping as they begin to water. He keeps sliding forward until his nose is pressed into the soft hair at the base of his cock. Bucky feels a lot of things at once-- triumphant, desperately aroused, exceedingly vulnerable. It restricts his airflow enough that his chest gets tight and Bucky pulls off before that panicky feeling can take hold, letting Loki's cock fall from his mouth as he sucks in a ragged breath. He swallows hard and wipes at his chin with the back of his hand, and when his speaks, his voice is raspy and low.

"You're the only one who's ever gonna do that to me," Bucky tells him, not because he didn't enjoy it, but because he can't imagine putting himself in that position for any other man.

[thewrongpath]

Loki panted, trembling with the effort not to move, not to trust deeper into the tight channel of Bucky's throat. His heart thundered in his chest, his own throat flexing sympathetically as the other man pulled back with a gasp.

"Is that a promise to me, or that imaginary boy from your past?" He asked softly, with a rare vulnerability, felling suddenly overwhelmed by something that had started as a game.

He should've been used to this, by now, when it came to this man.

[semi_stable]

"Just a fact," Bucky rasps out, sliding his hand up to the side of Loki's throat. He knows when it comes to their arrangement, they haven't promised their bodies to each other. For all three of them, there could be others, but even if there are, they won't get all of him, not like Loki and Sylvie do.

"Take if off," he urges, and he doesn't just mean the sweater. He means the whole glamour, because he wants Loki back. "Be you again."

[thewrongpath]

With a shimmer of green, Loki was once again himself, the elastic of the pajama pants he'd stolen from Bucky's drawer tugged down beneath his balls and his hair a bloody mess.

"How's that?" he asked, purred in his own voice, though he felt shockingly close to blushing, an almost sheepish smile twisting his lips.

[semi_stable]

"Almost perfect," Bucky tells him, grinning at the way that Loki's hair spills messily over his forehead, making him young and eager. He leans forward to press a kiss to Loki's chest, his stomach, his hip, only moving back long enough to pull the sleep pants off of his legs and toss them aside. "There we go, beautiful."

After lifting Loki's leg back over his shoulder, holding onto it with his metal arm, he wraps his other hand around the base of Loki's cock and sinks his mouth down onto it again, humming as he bobs up and down, tongue curled against the underside of Loki's cock. He sucks Loki until he's flushed and panting and then pulls off, meeting Loki's eye before ducking his head and dragging Loki closer to the edge of the be, pushing on his thigh to spread him open wider so he can lick at the tight pink clench of his asshole.

"I can't get enough of you," Bucky pants out, almost like a confession, pressing his bearded cheek to Loki's inner thigh for a moment before licking at him again.

[thewrongpath]

"I'm sure you'll get your fill eventually," Loki said breathlessly as he flopped down onto his back with a low, startled whine of approval. Holding Bucky close, a hand in his hair and a leg looped over his shoulder, Loki arched against him, shuddering pleasantly at the warm, intimate drag of his tongue.

"Oh, gods, that is good," he murmured approvingly, a flush spreading across his bare chest and neck. It seemed, even after over a thousand years, he'd found someone capable of surprising him.

[semi_stable]

“Yeah, I’m not,” Bucky murmurs with a helpless chuckle, because now that he’s found this, love and tenderness and a passion that consumes him like fire, he can’t imagine ever getting enough.

As evidenced by him now, on his knees with his face buried between Loki’s legs, licking and sucking at the most intimate part of him. He gathers saliva on his tongue and slowly presses it against Loki’s hole, wriggling it until his body relaxes enough for it to slide inside. Bucky fucks him eagerly with his tongue, letting out a low groan of approval, and then pulls back to take a breath, replacing his tongue with his middle finger, sinking it in slowly.

Bucky moves his finger in and out, staring at the way Loki’s body seems to draw it back in, and then pulls one of Loki’s balls into his mouth, rolling it gently on his tongue. One finger becomes two and Bucky takes Loki’s cock back into his mouth, bobbing up and down in time with the thrusts of his fingers.

[thewrongpath]

Echoing Bucky's laughter, Loki lie sprawled across the wrinkled bedclothes, one arm thrown above his head while the other hand stayed buried in Bucky's hair. He was eager and pliant under Bucky's care, trembling with need by the time two fingers worked their way into his body.

"Do you want it in your mouth, or do I get to have your cock again?" He managed to ask, rather content with either answer. He would've been blissfully happy with anything at all, as long as Bucky didn't stop touching him.

[semi_stable]

Bucky hums, unable to answer the question with his mouth full and unwilling to pull of Loki's cock just yet. It's only after he takes it into his throat again, a little easier this time now that he knows what he's doing, and pulls off with an obscene pop that he answers the question.

"You get to have me cock again," he says raggedly, pulling his fingers free as he shifts Loki's leg off of his shoulder, holding onto it as he stands and wrapping it around his waist instead. He shoves his pants down and kicks them aside, reaching over to grab the lube from the nightstand.

He slicks his fingers and presses two into Loki again, smirking down at him as he lifts Loki's long leg, stretching it upward and resting it against his shoulder. "Like this okay?"

[thewrongpath]

"How generous of you," he teased breathlessly, already precariously close to orgasm by the time Bucky had his fill of happily deep-throating Loki's cock.

With one leg wrapped around Bucky's hips, the other stretched out against his shoulder, Loki chuckled softly, charmed by the smug look in Bucky's eyes. Considering the terror in them, just the night before, it was quite the improvement.

"Get on with it, then."

[semi_stable]

“I’m very giving,” Bucky. says with a low laugh that only gets louder when Loki goads him on. He reaches down to give the side of Loki’s ass a light slap. “Hold your horses.”

After sliding his fingers out of Loki’s body, he gives his cock a slick stroke and presses the head of it to Loki’s ass, nudging it against his hole and then sliding the head up under his balls, doing his best to make it seem like he isn’t desperate to plunge into him. “You’re very impatient.”

[thewrongpath]

"My horses are held, I assure you," Loki said, snickering helplessly and letting out a little amused yelp at the faint sting of Bucky's palm against his ass.

"I'm very bored," he countered, which was a bald-faced lie that anyone could've seen right through. "Are you in need of a map, darling?"

[semi_stable]

"Oh, you're bored?" Bucky laughs, knowing it's a lie, and then shakes his head at the question, slapping Loki's ass harder this time. It's a distraction, and he uses it to plunge his cock into Loki's body, bottoming out with one smooth thrust.

"Looks like I found my way," he murmurs, pressing his weight against the backs of Loki's thighs as he rests there a moment, buried deep. He stares at Loki's face, gaze traveling down the length of his torso, pausing on his hard cock, straining up toward his belly and still shining with Bucky's spit.

He's so beautiful, but Bucky doesn't tell him that. Not right now, when his head is already so big, so instead he turns his head and presses a kiss to the inside of Loki's knee, biting gently at the skin.