ready to comply

[semi_stable]

[cw: descriptions of a panic attack, mentions of PTSD]


Things have been going very well for Bucky as of late, so it's no real surprise when he's suddenly knocked on his ass again. That's how it goes, after all. That's his story. That's how it always goes.

This time, all he's doing is walking down the street. He's smiling, almost even laughing, sipping at an iced coffee. He's talking with a friend, gesturing with his prosthetic hand, ungloved and visible to anyone who looks at him, and anyone who did wouldn't even be able to tell how broken he is.

Because he is broken. He always will be in some way or another. His brain was taken apart and put back together over and over again, scrambled and reformed, and he'll never be healed from that, not completely. Not to mention all the trauma and abuse, decades of it, and he can have a few good months but he'll never be totally free.

This is proven to him as he's walking past some sort of street fair out in front of his building. It's noisy, with people milling about and several different radios tuned to different stations drowning each other out. They suddenly all go quiet, music and talking replaced with an eerie, quiet static.

Longing.

The word makes Bucky go still, face draining of color. It's a low, commanding male voice speaking in Russian, and Bucky feels a little like he might throw up.

Rusted.

It's coming from every radio, even one from a car passing by, windows rolled down to take advantage of the nice day. It's coming from everywhere and Bucky's coffee falls from his hand, plastic cracking as it breaks against the pavement. "No."

Furnace.

"No, no, no, please," Bucky pleads in Russian, reaching up to put his hands over his ears. It's so unexpected to hear his trigger words that he forgets for a moment that he's supposed to have been cured of them, rewired during his time in Wakanda. But then he remembers, and it doesn't help. Whoever is behind this place has proven how powerful they are, and who's to say that they didn't undo that, too?

Daybreak.

It's getting louder now, more forceful, and Bucky lets out a panicked shout as he stumbles backwards, breathing heavily and shaking his head. He's flooded so suddenly with adrenaline, like ice water being dumped over his head, and he can hear his heart beating. Air gets stuck in his chest and he can't breathe, and while he recognizes the signs of a panic attack, he can't seem to make it stop. He's too terrified of what might be about to happen to do anything but panic.

Seventeen.

"No, no, not again," he chokes out, turning to run into the lobby of his building to try and get away from it, only to find that they're playing in there too, pumping tinnily out of a speaker in the corner. He chokes out a sob and sinks to the floor, pushing himself back into a corner and covering his ears. Someone follows after him and Bucky holds out his hand. "Stop! Stay back."

Benign.

There are four more. Only four more words until Bucky finds out of the switch in his brain will be flipped, if he'll climb to his feet and stand at attention. Four more words until this city finds out if the Winter Soldier is ready to comply.





[Help him. Have your pup be the person he was walking with and/or the one who finds him in the lobby. Despite his fears, the trigger words will not do anything because he's still cured, but he's still going through one hell of a PTSD episode.]

Comments

[semi_stable]

Bucky knows that Loki is only teasing him. He knows that he isn’t the only one that Loki is sleeping with, because obviously there is Sylvie, and maybe others as well. He’s okay with that, because he has no desire to control Loki or Sylvie even if such a thing were possible, but he doesn’t really want to know about it.

“All for me?” He asks, and there’s a soft sort of hope in his voice, even though he knows that Loki is teasing him. Sylvie could just as easily shift her form and fuck Loki just like this, and that’d be well within their rights, but Bucky is so desperate for something that’s his.

It feels foolish and he swallows hard, leaning forward to bury his face in Loki’s neck as he holds him tight by the waist, more rocking up against him and grinding than thrusting, relishing in yet another new thing that Loki is giving him.

[thewrongpath]

Loki wouldn't lie to him. It was true that Sylvie had his heart and his body, and he would never pretend otherwise. He cared for them both too much for that. He loved her, in a way that just might have been unique to the two of them– two people who were never meant to meet, let alone fall in love.

But there was a piece of him that belonged solely to Bucky, and no one else. Not even her.

"I love you," he murmured instead, because that was the purest truth he had to offer.

[semi_stable]

“Don’t tease me like that,” Bucky pleads, feeling foolish even as he says it because he’d known it wasn’t real. Loki had meant no harm with it, but it had struck Bucky in a place that he wasn’t expecting, the same part of him that has never really belonged to anyone.

He understands their arrangement, and he has no desire to change it. He loves them both. It’s just that he never expected to share his heart in such a way, and occasionally it throws him through a loop.

“I know you do,” he says desperately, tipping Loki to put him down on his back and leaning over him, planting his metal hand into the bed next to Loki’s head as he starts to roll his hips, fucking into him with slow, deep thrusts and starting down at his face. “I love you.”

[thewrongpath]

"I won't," Loki promised, frowning as he realized that he'd inadvertently hurt the other man. Laid out on his back, Loki drew his knees up high around Bucky's ribs, shuddering as the base of Bucky's cock nudged his clit on every downstroke. But for the moment, he was preoccupied by the broken sound in Bucky's voice, the hope and disappointment he tried so hard to hide.

"When I say I'm yours, I'm not teasing you," he said, and perhaps this was a conversation better suited in his chosen body, and when Bucky's cock wasn't inside of him, but they'd never really played by any rules. And perhaps it wasn't something he could truly explain, but he wouldn't give himself away to just anyone. Loki loved him, and for him, it felt miraculous. "This is real," he murmured, with his own edge of vulnerability, because it was the one thing he'd never had before. Not until the two of them.

[semi_stable]

As Loki speaks, Bucky slows until he’s barely moving at all, lifting his free hand to cup the side of Loki’s face, feminine and soft but still undeniably him. He smiles a little, eyes glistening in the morning light as he thumbs underneath Loki’s eye, nodding a little.

“I know, I know it is,” Bucky murmurs, leaning down to press a soft kiss to Loki’s mouth, the chasteness of it perhaps at odds with what they’re doing. He knows Loki loves him, knows it’s real, but as most human of them, he knows that he’ll have his moments of insecurity, wondering how he could possibly fit into what they’ve made, or it the novelty of him will wear off.

“I wasn’t expecting this,” Bucky says quietly, grunting softly as he rolls his hips again, pulling out nearly all the way before slowly sinking in again. “I wasn’t expecting you.”

[thewrongpath]

"Of course not. I blindsided you, I know," Loki said breathlessly, and it might have been a tease, if it hadn't been entirely mutual. Loki hadn't been expecting this man, Avengers-adjacent, good down to his core, broken and hopeful and so very beautiful. No, Loki had not been expecting him at all.

"It's too early in the morning for this," Loki chuckled almost apologetically, a hand in Bucky's hair, a tear leaking from the corner of his eye and staining the hair at his temple.

He reached down between them to touch himself, breath hitching as his fingers slid over his clit.

[semi_stable]

"I have a feeling that I did the same to you," Bucky replies in a low voice, feeling a little awed as he watches a tear escape Loki's eye. Loki loves him. Bucky believed him when he said it, but it's another thing to see the evidence of it with his own eyes.

He leans down to touch his lips to the corner of Loki's eye, kissing away that tear, tasting as he kisses again at his hairline. When Loki's hand shifts down between them, Bucky shifts his weight onto his right elbow, staring down at Loki as he reaches down to gently grab Loki's wrist with his metal hand.

"Let me," he says, almost pleading, rolling his hips as he lets go of Loki's wrist to touch his metal fingertips to Loki's clit. He presses a kiss to Loki's mouth and then lifts his head to watch his face as he flexes his muscles in that particular way that makes his hand buzz faintly. "I want to be the one that makes you come."

[thewrongpath]

"Oh, well, you're certainly on your way to doing that," Loki said breathlessly, arching helplessly under the press of Bucky's fingertip. "You're so ridiculous," he accused, but what might have been a jab was instead spoken with nothing but affection.

He felt hot all over, a flush spreading between his breasts, his thighs trembling, hands grasping at Bucky's hips and pulling him in deeper, a little harder. His head thrown back, Loki cried out as the pleasure crested, his cunt clenching down tight around Bucky's cock as it crashed over him.

[semi_stable]

"But you love me anyway," Bucky replies with a grin, moving his his a little quicker, plunging a little deeper as Loki pulls him in. When Loki comes, it's a beautiful thing. He arches up as if he's been pulled taut, hips jerking as his cunt spasms around Bucky's cock.

"God, look at you," Bucky gasps out, letting his arm relax as his fingers slide away from Loki's clit. His hand slides up to cover one of his breasts, squeezing it in his hand and pinching his nipple between two gleaming back fingers.

His thrusts get a little harder, a little erratic, and then he comes with a soft cry of his own, jaw pressed to Loki's temple as he spills deep inside of Loki's body. Once his orgasm starts to subside, he sags against Loki, panting into the curve of his neck.

[thewrongpath]

Collapsing beneath Bucky's weight, Loki breathed raggedly, letting his eyes drift shut as he held Bucky close. He thought he might have even dozed off for a moment, floating somewhere in the early morning bliss between sleep and wakefulness, full of Bucky's cock, his come, his breath muggy against Loki's neck.

Eventually, he let out a contented groan, shifting beneath him until his cock slid free, and with a shimmer of magic, he was himself again.

[semi_stable]

Bucky nearly protests when Loki makes it so his cock falls from him, but then there's a ripple of green light and he feels Loki's body shifting beneath him, soft curves replaced with muscle and bone, and Bucky lifts his head to look at Loki's face, smiling as he lifts a hand to cradle his cheek.

"Hey, you," Bucky says softly, leaning in to press a lingering kiss to his mouth. When he pulls back, he lets out a quiet chuckle and gives him an almost shy look. "Hell of a good morning."

[thewrongpath]

"Hello there," Loki returned, petting a hand through Bucky's hair, and smiling against his mouth. "It certainly was."

With a flash of a grin, Loki rolled them over, rising to sit astride the other man's hips, his arms stretching indulgently over his head. He looked smug and satisfied, as if his eyes weren't still a bit glassy, his hairline still damp with tears.

[semi_stable]

Bucky chuckles and rolls easily when Loki moves them, stretching out on his back and watching as Loki unfurls his long body. The look on his face is irritating and endearing all at the same time, and Bucky sits up to throw his arms around him, pulling him in close.

He kisses the top of Loki's shoulder and is just about to shift to his mouth when there's the click of claws and a demanding yip from the doorway. Bucky groans and twists his head to look at her, nodding and then pressing a hard kiss to Loki's mouth.

"Okay, I need to take care of my duties," he says as he shifts out from underneath Loki, rolling off of the bed and stretching his arms up and out, scrubbing his hands through his hair. "You wanna stick around for a little bit? I can grab us some coffee and bagels."

He knows that Loki will probably have to take off at some point, that he has other things to do, but he isn't ready to say goodbye just yet.

[thewrongpath]

With a low, muffled chuckle against Bucky's mouth, Loki shifted to the side, turning to watch as Bucky strode naked across the room, stretching deliciously at the foot of the bed.

Eyes bright, he said, "How could I say no to that," and while it was meant to be a tease, it was clear enough that he had no intention of leaving just yet.

"Go," he said, stifling a grin as he leaned back against the pillows, making himself comfortable. "I'll still be here."

[semi_stable]

The assurance makes Bucky grin with relief and then he turns to pet apologetically at Bopp's head, leaning over to press a kiss to the top of her head. After pulling on some clothes and telling her to go get her leash, Bucky comes over to the bed and leans over to give Loki a quick kiss on the corner of his mouth before rushing down the hall.

He takes Bopp outside, pausing in the lobby to glance over at the corner he cowered in the previous day, blowing out a breath and shaking off the memory as they head out into the sunshine. He tosses a stick around for a bit and instead of thinking about how bad things were the day before, he thinks about Loki telling him that he loves him. He watches Bopp trot toward him and thinks about all the things in Darrow that make him happy.

After the park, he stops by a bakery and gets two coffees and a few assorted pastries. They even have freshly baked biscuits for dogs, so he gets a couple for Bopp, feeding her half of one before they head home, her leash in one hand while he balances the drink holder in his metal hand.

Once they're back in the apartment, Bucky puts her leash away and takes off his shoes and socks, quickly washing his hands before heading back toward the bedroom, where Loki is still waiting.

"Breakfast, your highness," he says as he steps up onto the bed and settles down into a cross-legged position, settling the drink holder and pastry bag in his lap. "As promised."

[thewrongpath]

While the two of them were gone, Loki took the time to clean himself up a bit, allowing himself to snoop only a bit as he stood in front of the mirror in Bucky's cramped bathroom. Using magic to pick up their clothes scattered across the floor, he put Bucky's in the hamper, and sent his away to be dealt with once he was home.

Smirking, he stole a pair of pajama pants from Bucky's drawer and put them on, and was just getting settled on the bed once again when the two of them finally returned.

"It's about time. I was wasting away," he teased, mirroring the other man's position and reaching across to pluck one of the cups of coffee from the drink holder.

[semi_stable]

"Oh, is that why you're so skinny?" Bucky jokes with a straight face, brows lifted playfully as he takes a sip from the other cup and then immediately frowns at it. "Wait, no. This one's yours. I got you the pumpkin one."

He reaches out to switch their coffee cups and then sets the drink holder aside, sipping from his own cup as he shakes open the pastry bag, tipping it toward Loki so he can take first pick, even though he's a dirty little thief who won't ever give those sweatpants back.

[thewrongpath]

"Skinny?" Loki frowned, playfully affronted. He certainly wasn't as brawny as his brother, or even as Bucky, but he wouldn't have called himself skinny.

The coffee was dreadfully sweet and wonderful, and he gave a pleased hum as he took the first sip. In the bag, there were bagels, as promised, but he took a pastry studded in apples and sprinkled with raw sugar.

"Are you trying to fatten me up?"

[semi_stable]

"Calm down, your highness," Bucky says with a fond laugh, reaching over to slide his good hand up Loki's thigh. "It was a joke."

Loki seems to like the pumpkin latte, so Bucky's glad that he took a chance there. When Loki pulls an apple turnover from the bag, Bucky can't help but to laugh because that's what had caught his wye at the bakery. It's a good thing he got a couple of them.

"Whatever makes you happy, doll," he jokes happily, winking as he takes a large bite of his turnover. Bopp comes over to the bed and gives him the eye, so Bucky sets his coffee cup down carefully between his legs and takes a piece of the dog biscuit out of the bag and hands it over. "As you can see, I live to serve."

[thewrongpath]

Loki gave Bucky an amused look, having thought it was quite obvious that he was aware of Bucky's tone.

"The good little soldier, as always," he said wryly, his own cup balancing on his knee in a way that might have been precarious for someone without magic. Swallowing his bite and offering Bucky a smirk, he said, "I do wonder how long we could go, leaving this bed only for the essentials."

[semi_stable]

The comment makes Bucky flush a little, ducking his head to hide a bashful smile as he tears off another piece of the pastry and pops it into his mouth. Before Loki, and then Sylvie, Bucky never really had the occasion to just lounge in bed, starting sex up over and over again.

There were some lazy days spent with women, like in the first few times he had more than a day’s leave while in the service. Those had been nice, but they lacked the intimacy that he’s come to realize that he enjoys so much.

“I’m game to find out if you are,” Bucky tells him with a quiet, happy laugh. “Though I should probably go get us some water first, in that case. Gotta stay hydrated.”

[thewrongpath]

"Oh, are you planning on tiring me out, while we're here? I only meant to sleep," Loki said, barely hiding his amusement.

Bucky's cheeks were charmingly pink, and Loki felt warmth blooming in his chest, and perhaps they wouldn't spend the entire day in bed, but Loki certainly had no pressing desire to hurry out the door.

"How are you feeling?" He asked, a bit more sincerely. Perhaps Bucky preferred to pretend like the previous day hadn't happened, but Loki actually cared to know the truth of how he was.

[semi_stable]

“Oh, you can sleep through it. That’s fine,” Bucky replies, obviously joking. If all Loki really wanted to do was sleep, Bucky would be perfectly fine with that. Silly as it may be, Bucky is happy just to be near him.

The question takes him a little bit by surprise and and he swallows hard, brow furrowing a bit as he nods. It’s nice of Loki to ask, even if Bucky isn’t quite sure what to say.

“I’m okay,” Bucky assures him, pleased to find that it’s true. He reaches over to take Loki’s hand, thumbing at his knuckles. “In part to you, I think. You gave me something else to focus on, and I’m glad.”

He smiles a little and squeezes Loki’s hand before letting go and picking up his coffee, taking a sip before continuing. “I’m actually kind of relieved to know that they still don’t work, even here. So it sucked, but I’m okay. I’m good.”

[thewrongpath]

"I am quite distracting," Loki said, giving Bucky's hand an answering squeeze and a small, rare smile that was reserved for two people alone.

"Good, I'm glad. I know you can't always be, but I do like it when you're okay." He smiled, almost bashful. "Happy's even better, but I'll try not to set the bar too high."

[semi_stable]

"You really are," Bucky admits with a laugh, but he's glad for that. He needs to be distracted sometimes.

Loki smiles at him, and Bucky feels warmth bloom in his chest, because it's so nice to be understood. Loki knows that sometimes he'll have dark moods, knows that they can't all be good days, and he doesn't expect anything different from Bucky. He never expects Bucky to be anything but exactly who he is, someone that's been broken over and over again and is just slowly trying to put the pieces back together. He's patient with Bucky, and so kind in a way that might surprise people.

"I'm okay," Bucky assures him again, smiling a little and then leaning in to give Loki a soft kiss, licking a few grains of sugar from the corner of his mouth. "Right now, I'm even a little happy."

He sits back again and takes a sip from his cup, shrugging casually. "Can't imagine why."