for dani

[semi_stable]

He still sleeps on the floor.

It isn't something that he's been able to shake, not since his military days. Real beds are too soft, and he could sleep too soundly there, if he managed to fall asleep at all. No, the floor feels more familiar to him, cold wood and a pillow under his head. Always vigilant, even in sleep.

Even though he knows that Darrow is the safest place that he's been in decades, in that no one is after him. He still can't seem to relax in his bed. Or maybe he just doesn't feel like he deserves the luxury of a soft bed and restful sleep, not after all he's done.

After a few hours of tossing and turning, he gives up and pulls on a pair of black joggers and a dark blue hooded sweatshirt, half unzipped with nothing underneath, because who is going to see him anyway? After putting on his sneakers, he grabs his keys and leaves his apartment, feeling too restless to stay in one spot.

He makes his way to the beach, walking along the line where wet sand gives way to dry and listening to the water slap gently at the shore, rushing as it recedes and does it all over again. The rhythm of it is a little soothing, and Bucky takes a deep breath and looks up at the stars as we walks.

Comments

[feelheld]

They don't come often, the nightmares. In a horrible way, Dani isn't sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. When they do come, they tend to leave her shaken for days on end, which isn't exactly convenient when she's a full-time student with a part-time job. But they're also the only real way she has now of seeing her parents and her sister, and even with their faces distorted and bodies deathly still, at least it's something, one last remaining tie to her family. She's not sure what her therapist would have to say about that, if she ever said as much; she's not sure what she would have to say about it if she heard it from someone else. All she does know is that it's true, and that at least in her own head, she can't pretend otherwise.

In her own head is the last place she wants to be right now, though, so once it becomes apparent that she won't be getting back to sleep anytime soon, she gets herself half-dressed — a bra under the oversized t-shirt she was sleeping in, a pair of sweatpants — and goes for a walk. The autumn air will help, she thinks, the weather just starting to change. Still, she doesn't actually know where she's going, too checked out to be giving it that much thought, until she winds up at the beach.

It's as good an option as any, really. She's never lived so close to the ocean before, and especially when it's empty, there's something peaceful about it. Except it's not totally empty this time. She nods, first, when she spots another figure, thinking she'll just continue on her way, only when she gets a little closer, she realizes he's someone she actually knows.

"Hey," she says, just loud enough to be heard over the crashing waves, mouth curling in a small, slightly awkward smile. "Wasn't expecting to run into you out here." The implication is clear: She wasn't expecting to run into anyone. Better an acquaintance, though, she figures, than a stranger when she still feels so out of sorts.

[semi_stable]

Bucky realizes that he isn't alone on the beach when he hears soft footfalls, and he tenses instinctually as he lowers his head, suddenly more alert. He chides himself a little for the reaction, but he isn't sure that it's something that he'll ever be ever to shake. He'll always be ready for a fight.

When he realizes that he knows the woman walking towards him, he relaxes incrementally and lifts his good hand from the pocket of his hoodie to lift it in greeting. And then they're standing in front of each other, both of them smiling awkwardly, and he huffs out an amused breath.

"Dani, hi." They've run into each other, shared a few casual meals, and she's one of the people he might consider a friend. His smile grows a little more genuine, and then his brow furrows as he realizes what she's wearing. "Aren't you cold?"

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Dani glances down at his question, her eyes widening slightly and mouth curving in a small frown as if she hadn't considered the possibility that she might be cold until hearing him say as much. It's probably not great, but given that she wandered out to the beach without entirely realizing that she was doing so, it makes sense, too. Of course, now that she's aware of it, she does feel a little cold, but she doesn't really want to admit that outright, so she shrugs instead, lopsided and noncommittal.

"I guess I'm a little chilly," she admits, not really wanting to say more than that. She probably should have put on a hoodie on her way out the door, but she was thinking more about needing to get out and get some air than what she's wearing. "It's fine. I didn't even think to grab a jacket, so that's on me."

[semi_stable]

Bucky frowns in vague concern as she looks herself over, and he can't help but to notice the goosebumps on her arms and the shadows under her eyes. They're probably out here for the same reason, unable to sleep and unable to sit still. Everyone he meets here seem to have some sort of inner demons that they're battling and maybe it makes him a bad person, but it makes him feel a little less alone. A little less other.

"Well, here." He reaches up to tug down the zipper of his hoodie without thinking, because his metabolism, along with his training to become the Winter Soldier, made him more than able to withstand the cold. The zipper reaches the bottom of the hoodie before he remembers that he isn't wearing anything underneath, because he hadn't expected to remove it. "Oh, hm."

He looks up with a sort of awkward smile, because he's in a bit of a dilemma. She's cold, so he should give her his jacket, but then he'd be shirtless in front of her. And she'll see where his prosthetic meets his shoulder, which is something that he's still self-conscious about. Especially in front of beautiful women.

But she's cold, and getting her warm seems more important that his scarred arm, so he pulls his hoodie off and steps in to drape it around her shoulders. The fabric is warm from his body heat, and should get the job done. "Here you go," he tells her, smoothing his hands across the tops of her shoulders before stepping back. "I run pretty hot."

[feelheld]

"Oh, you don't have to —" Dani starts, instinctive and self-conscious, when she realizes he doesn't have anything on under the sweatshirt. It isn't, at least at first, because of the fact that it means he'll be shirtless. It's just that it doesn't seem quite fair to him. She has a shirt on, at least, even if it isn't quite warm enough for the weather. He shouldn't have to go entirely without any kind of top to wear on her behalf.

The thought leaves her head, though, sentence trailing off, when he moves in to lay the sweatshirt over her shoulders. It's not the sight of him shirtless that makes her breath almost catch, though it's definitely not a bad view at all; it's not even the scar between shoulder and prosthetic, though that certainly catches her attention. It's the fact that she isn't actually sure the last time anyone stood this close to her.

Just realizing as much, and how potent that proximity is, makes her feel a little ridiculous, almost as much so as her lack of a jacket in the first place. "Well, thanks," she says, a touch apologetic, huddling into the skin-warmed hoodie as she slips her arms through the sleeves. "But if you get cold, let me know, I'm the genius who left home without something warm to wear."

In an odd way, it makes her feel more grounded, more present — the physical closeness to someone else, a warm piece of clothing to wear that isn't her own. Glancing down at her feet for a moment, flats half-filled with sand, she looks back up again with a small smile. "What brings you out here, anyway?" she asks, instinctive, too much so to think better of it. That happens a moment later, and she shakes her head slightly. "You don't have to answer that."

[semi_stable]

"If I get chilly, I'll let you know," Bucky tells her, and he does mean that. If he does, he'll tell her. But he doubts that will happen. Compared to winter in Russia, this beach is practically balmy.

As she speaks, she gives Bucky a lot of insight into her. He doesn't go looking for it, but he's trained in these things. He notices what people do and do not say. Dani has been through a lot, possibly even something traumatic, and she can't sleep.

"Oh, same as you, I expect," he says casually, because it's answer enough without either of them giving out too many details. He looks at the lifeguard shack a few yards away and gestures for Dani to follow him, walking around until they're shielded from breeze. He sinks down into the sand and leans back against the building, stretching his legs out in front of him.

"Can't sleep," he tells her with a knowing look, one that she may be able to translate without much thought. Nightmares.

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The response makes her feel a little less like a dick for asking, at least. Dani doesn't tend to be very comfortable with being seen, preferring to keep such things carefully buried, but in this case, she can't mind as much as she normally would. He's out here too, after all, and she's probably made it obvious enough, wandering on the beach in the middle of the night, being so checked out that she forgot even to grab a jacket. Under other circumstances, it might occur to her to be a little self-conscious about the way she looks, out here wearing clothes she was sleeping in and with messy hair, but as it is, she has only the dim awareness that she should be without actually getting there herself.

Instead, if anything, she's a bit more at ease for not being alone out here. Following Bucky over to the lifeguard shack, she steps out of her sand-filled shoes before she takes a seat beside him, her own legs drawn up to her chest, feet burrowing into the sand.

"Yeah," she agrees, giving him a similarly weighted look. "Can't sleep." They both mean something more than that, she thinks, but that's all the more reason not to press. She really doesn't need to go making things that awkward. "Thought some fresh air might be good."

[semi_stable]

Dani sits down next to him and Bucky looks over at her and the ocean beyond. For a moment, if he squints very hard, he can almost pretend that he's back home. He's young and naïve and on the beach with a beautiful girl, with no enlistment draft in sight. No wars, no nightmares, no irreparable psychological damage.

If only, he thinks with a sigh, smiling awkwardly at Dani when she looks over at him. He'll never be that easygoing young man, not ever again.

"And instead you're going to catch cold," Bucky teases, which perhaps rich of him, considering his sudden lack of shirt, but he'll be fine. She's still shivering a bit, so Bucky bites his lower lip in consideration, wondering if it would be too forward to lift his arm and curl it around her. It probably would, especially when it wouldn't entirely be for selfless reasons.

It just might be nice to hold someone, he thinks. And it looks like she might like to be held. But he can't think of a way to offer that wouldn't seem like he was just trying to come onto her, so instead he just shifts a bit closer so their sides are just barely touching and she can hopefully leech from his slightly inhuman warmth.

"I can't remember the last time that I got a good night's sleep," he tells her, tipping his head back to rest against the salt-warped wood of the lifeguard stand. "You'd think I would get used to it eventually."

[feelheld]

Chilly as the night is, it's warmer now that they're sitting down here. It helps, probably, having the lifeguard stand to shield them from the breeze a bit, but when he shifts closer — and she's not really even sure if he's doing it on purpose or just getting comfortable — she can tell that he really wasn't lying about running warm. His proximity does about as much as the sweatshirt does for keeping her from being too cold, and there's a part of her that's instinctively tempted to lean into it, but she has this feeling like she shouldn't.

They're friends, but she still barely knows him, really, More than that, though, her composure at any given time is entirely too tenuous. If she lets herself act on something like that, it might only be a matter of time before she lets her guard down too far and talks about things she doesn't want to talk about. No one should have to deal with that. Especially not if he was brought out here by anything along the lines of what brought her here too.

"I think..." she starts, pursing her lips thoughtfully when she trails off. It's a trial sometimes, separating textbook-speak from friend-speak, but she doesn't want to be that dick who starts spouting off indifferent psych lessons to people who didn't ask for it. "Even if you do get used to it, it still sucks, right?" She shrugs, her shoulder bumping his with the motion, and turns to look over at him with a thin smile. Much like the way he mentioned not being able to sleep earlier, there's something loaded in her expression now, something that says she's speaking not just in a general sense, but about herself. Her parents are dead. Her sister is dead. She knows these things. It's not a surprise anymore. It still fucking hurts, though, and nothing will change that. "With anything, it's not like it gets less... whatever."

Granted, at least in her case, she knows, on some level, that bottling it up doesn't do her any real good, that wounds fester that way rather than heal. Still, it's easier, it always has been, an old instinct to shove those feelings down.

[semi_stable]

When Dani turns to look at him, Bucky slumps down a little bit so that they're more eye level. He looks at her as she speaks and the eye contact feels intimate, perhaps due to the nature of their conversation. Maybe at another time, Bucky would shy away from something like this.

But it's the middle of the night and they're all alone on the beach, huddled away from the wind in a patch of moonlight. Neither of them have slept, and maybe the need to spend a moment feeling even a little understood outweighs not wanting to be vulnerable. Bucky can see in her eyes that she's been through something truly awful. It reminds him of the shellshock he would see in soldiers, eyes permanently shadowed.

"No, it really doesn't," he sighs out, shaking his head a bit and biting his bottom lip. "I'm the last one left," he says quietly, just above a whisper. "Out of everyone I ever-- it's just me."

Maybe he says it because he gets the sense that maybe she'll understand what he means, how the weight of that knowledge can feel crushing sometimes. How lonely it can be.

[feelheld]

Even with the suggestion that they've wound up out here tonight for similar reasons, what he says is just about the last thing Dani expects to hear. Her breath catches, chest suddenly tight, not quite panic, but something closely related to it. Instinctively, a part of her wonders how he could possibly know. She's only told one person here about that part of her past, and she didn't set out tonight intending to change that. In the next instant, though, she corrects herself. He doesn't know. He's talking about himself. It's just that the feeling he's describing is one that's painfully familiar, making it impossible for her to keep thoughts of her family and what happened to them at bay.

It isn't as if she was entirely alone in the world. She had friends, a boyfriend. The former dwindled, though, in the face of such earth-shattering losses, too many people not having the first idea how even to speak to her after something like that, as if she were too delicate, her grief too raw, too messy for anyone else to want to touch. The latter never understood. She wasn't alone, but she felt alone, untethered. The last one left.

Until —

That much, at least, crosses her mind quickly, without taking hold. She's focused too much on him and on the ache in her chest and the way she's torn between saying nothing and saying everything. Instead of doing either, she nods, expression stricken. "Me too," she says, just as quiet, her voice rough. "I'm sorry."

[semi_stable]

Bucky can tell by the look on her face that she understands. What happened to them may not be in any way similar, they may be from entirely different worlds, but they share something in common. They’ve lost everyone, and they have the devastating curse of being the last one left.

With the way that Dani is looking at him, and the way her voice shakes, it feels easy for Bucky to turn and wrap an arm around her shoulders, pulling her in for a hug, because that’s all he can offer. He knows for a fact that there is nothing that he could say to make it better, because there is nothing he could hear that would come close.

But he can do this, hold her with his good arm while his metal hand digs into the sand, bare shoulder dragging against rough wood as he turns in toward her.

“I’m sorry, too,” he says against the side of her head. He gives her a light squeeze and pulls back a little, one hand on her shoulder, leaving it up to her to decide if she wants to pull away or stay.

It was probably too much, too forward of him, but he couldn’t really help himself. Maybe it’s because there are so many times where he could have used as something simple as a hug, and had no one to ask.

[feelheld]

When was the last time someone really hugged her? Dani can't be sure. She's shared quick embraces with friends from time to time, or at least she assumes she has, but she can't think of anything like this. Even if there'd been anything, it wouldn't have been prompted by the same thing. This isn't a subject she talks about. She has only once since she got here, and it was different when she was all but backed into it, too emotional to try to hide it or to lie. Instead, this is a shared understanding — an awful thing for a person to have to know, regardless of the details, but someone who gets it. She hasn't had that before, not really.

Rather than holding herself back now, she leans into him, an arm wrapping around him in turn. A moment too late, it occurs to her that it might be a bit more intimate from her when he's still shirtless, but there are, or so she would say, more important matters at hand right now. He's warm and he's here, and that sadness is always there, a lurking shadow, just waiting for the right moment to creep in, and for right now, maybe neither of them has to be alone.

"Guess you really were right," she mumbles somewhere near his shoulder, mostly because she needs to say something or she'll get too in her head and too emotional. "About it being the same thing that brought us out here."

[semi_stable]

When Dani leans in to return the hug, Bucky finds himself relieved. Not only because it means that he didn't offend her, but because it feels like it's something that he needs, too. Her head rests on his shoulder and Bucky smiles ruefully as she speaks, rubbing his hand slowly up and down her back as he rests his chin against the top of her head.

"Wish I wasn't," he says after a moment, sliding his hand down to her lower back and up to her neck again, tucking his fingers up under the hood of the sweatshirt. "But at least the company is nice."

She doesn't seem eager to pull away, so Bucky doesn't either. He keeps his metal hand pressed to the sand and his other arm around Dani, reaching up to gently drag loose strands of hair way from her face, which stays pressed to his shoulder. It may seem like he's the one comforting her, but he is getting something from this, too.

It's nice to be close to someone like this, and even if he wishes that no one had to feel the way he does, it's a comfort to know that he isn't alone, not entirely.

[feelheld]

For a moment, even as his hand moves down her back and up again to her hair, Dani wonders if it's selfish to be sitting here like this. The way he phrased it — out of everyone I ever — suggests something far worse than what she's been through. Her therapist would say that it's not a contest. So would she, for that matter, if she were talking to anyone else. When it's her, though, it's harder to take something like that to heart, easy to feel like she shouldn't ask for or need comfort.

She didn't ask for this, though. He offered, knowing the bare minimum of what she went through. Given what he said, she thinks he might actually get it if he did tell him, though she doesn't trust herself to do so. If asked, she'll answer, but it's an awful thing to have to say, and she's seen the way people look at her once they've learned something like that. There's no taking it back, and she can't stand the pity she's so often gotten in the wake of it.

"It is, yeah," she says, soft and earnest. It may be a strange thing to bond over, given that neither of them has actually said all that much, but that doesn't especially matter. "I… hate that you're going through it too, but I'm glad I ran into you."

[semi_stable]

Her breath is soft and warm against Bucky's neck and he breathes out in return, reveling in the sensation of another body pressed to his. Eventually, Bucky lifts his prosthetic hand from the sand, hesitating for a moment before placing it on Dani's back as well, wrapping both arms around her and holding her closer.

"Sorry, I know that I'm not particularly cuddly," he says with a bit of a self-deprecating laugh, because his left arm is probably cold and hard and uncomfortable against her back, even without him applying any pressure.

"But this is nice," he adds as if he's a little surprised by it, maybe a little shy, because it is nice. "I'm glad that I ran into you, too."

[feelheld]

"No, it's okay," Dani is quick to assure him, shaking her head ever so slightly without pulling away. True as it might be, she can't particularly bring herself to care. It's too nice just to be held, self-conscious as it makes her feel to think so. His having a prosthetic arm doesn't diminish that in the least; it would, she thinks, be pretty shitty of her to think so. At least her annoyance with herself for feeling so moved by such a simple gesture is familiar, and easily quieted under everything else, the comfort of arms around her, the lingering shakiness from dreaming about her family, the way it feels to have found someone who implicitly gets it.

She takes a slow, deep breath, trying to push away the less pleasant of those feelings, too. "It is nice," she agrees, quiet and earnest. "Really."

[semi_stable]

"Thanks," Bucky says quietly, and he isn't even sure why. Maybe he's grateful that she's treating him like a normal person, like someone she doesn't need to be afraid of. He's made so many people afraid of him for so long, and he hates that. He always wanted to be a good friend, someone loyal, someone who could always be relied upon, and they took that and twisted him into something terrifying.

But Dani obviously feels safe with him, alone out here on the beach and wrapped in his arms. It makes him unexpectedly emotional, and he presses his face into her hair as he wraps his arms a little more tightly around her, still careful not to squeeze her too tightly. He's not sure that he could even articulate what she's done for him.

He lets out a warm, shaking breath against her neck and it's only then that he realizes that he's pressed his face there. "It's been a very long time since I've--" He cuts himself off and swallows hard, touching his nose to the soft spot under her ear. "Too long, I think. So, thank you."

[feelheld]

Chilly as the night is, his breath is warm against her neck, his nose, too, where it brushes her skin. Nice as this already was, that slight shift makes it feel all the more intimate, her breath catching with it. Dani doesn't pull away, though. When it's been a long time for her, too, since she's had anyone this close, she knows it's entirely possible that it seems like more than it is, and regardless, it's not a bad feeling at all. She hardly sees how it's anything to thank her for — if anything, she feels sort of selfish for deriving such comfort from it herself — when all she's doing is sitting here, but she doesn't know how to say half of what's in her head, so she doesn't, staying put instead, leaning into him.

"Honestly, it's been kind of a long time for me, too," she admits, voice the slightest bit quieter. She really isn't sure when she was last held like this. Coincidental as their having run into each other out here may be, it's nice, too, to be trusted with this vulnerability. "I haven't... had a lot of people."

She has friends here, but most of them, she's kept at something of a distance, even those she's closest to. Her guard doesn't usually come down like this, and she hates that it did, but having that be met with understanding means more than she would be able to describe. She doubts she would really have wanted this from most of her friends here, anyway, to be so close, so entwined, that it almost, almost feels like the beginning of something else.

[semi_stable]

A long time, they both say, and Bucky wonders if maybe they're also talking about something else. And then he wonders if maybe he's an asshole for noticing how Dani feels pressed against him, soft and feminine and warm. The last time that he was alone with a beautiful woman on a beach, he would have been trying to charm her into a kiss, or whatever else she was willing to give.

That was such a long time ago. He doesn't even know if he could be that person again. But she shifts even closer to him and when his bottom lip brushes her neck, he sort of wishes that he could be.

His eyes fall shut and he chides himself for thinking such things while she's just here needing to be held just as badly as he does. He does his best not to think about how good she smells, or how her breasts feel pressed against his chest. Instead he moves one arm under her thighs and lifts her easily, tugging her sideways into his lap as he leans back against the lifeguard shack, moving them into a position that they could remain in for some time, if they wanted. He is in no rush to move, anyway.

"This alright?" He asks as he loops his arms around her waist, tipping his head back to rest against the weathered wood as he looks at her face, reaching up to brush her hair out of her face and tuck it behind her ear. "You warm enough?"

[feelheld]

The way he moves her so easily and pulls her closer steals the breath from Dani for a moment, though not at all in an unpleasant way. Quite the contrary, actually; he's warm and solid, and the quiet understanding between them makes her feel safe. She hasn't said much at all about what brought her out here — hasn't gone into any details, anyway — and still it's more than she usually says to anyone. It isn't that she's ashamed of what happened to her family, exactly. But it's a heavy weight to carry, and it's easier, or at least she sometimes feels like it's easier, to keep it tucked away, as small as she can make it. Having someone who gets it, though, at least as far as recognizing that that weight is there at all, is more comforting right now than she cares to admit.

Besides, it's been longer still since she was close like this with someone, a shiver running through her when his lip brushes her neck. She doesn't know how to begin to explain that it makes her feel halfway here, like an actual, present, living person, so she nods in response to both questions instead, leaning just a little into his hand as his fingers ghost over her temple. "Yeah," she says, her voice the slightest bit hoarse, and if her gaze drops to his mouth for just a moment, well, he's very close, and she's only human. "Very alright."

[semi_stable]

Their faces are so close, and he wonders if maybe he's an awful person for thinking what he's thinking at a time like this, when she's just been so vulnerable with him. The last thing that he would ever want to do is to take advantage of that, even in his thoughts, but then her eyes drop to his mouth and his tongue sneaks out to wet his bottom lip almost on instinct.

At least they seem to be on the same page, but still. It probably isn't a good idea. Or maybe it would be. How bad could it be for them to just feel something else? Something good, if even for a moment.

His hand rests against the side of her head and he leans in slowly, giving her ample time to pull back before pressing a soft kiss to the corner of her mouth.

[feelheld]

She probably shouldn't be doing this. For a moment, Dani feels a surge of guilt for it, half-tempted to apologize before she realizes that's stupid. He's the one who pulled her closer, who asked if it was alright, and she meant it when she said it was. It feels good not to be so alone, in more ways than one. Brief as it is when his lips touch hers, it makes her realize that she doesn't even remember the last time she was kissed. It's hardly been on her mind or anything, but god, is it nice to change that.

She doesn't pull away, nor does she press further, staying close, her forehead resting against his. "Yeah," she says again, the word nothing more than an exhale between them, but, she hopes, clear enough permission. This may well be the last thing she expected when she left her apartment tonight, but she feels a hell of a lot better than she did then, so that has to count for something.

[semi_stable]

It's probably not the best idea, but then, would it be, really? They're adults. Broken adults, to be sure, but if they can spend just a little bit of time feeling something else other than that break, they should do it.

Dani's forehead rests against his and while she doesn't move to kiss him, she doesn't pull away either. He's given her ample time to move, and nothing about her actions makes Bucky think that she's uncomfortable. Consent in such situations had always been important to him, but so much more so now, after having his own taken away from him for decades.

He kisses her again, fully on the mouth this time, and reaches up to slides his fingers into her hair, cupping the the base of her skull. His tongue slides briefly along her lower lip, but he gives her another closed mouth kiss, eyes falling shut as their mouths linger together.

[feelheld]

Although she'd already been thinking that she doesn't remember the last time she was kissed, Dani realizes when he leans in again that she definitely doesn't remember the last time she was kissed like this. He kisses her like it's something he wants to be doing, not just perfunctory and without interest. While she wouldn't have agreed to this if she had doubts about it, that makes it even easier for her to respond in kind, meeting him halfway. If, for a moment, she thinks of bright sun and fragrant flowers and cheers, it's gone just as quickly, impossible to identify, replaced with the gentle crash of waves on the shore and the smell of salt in the air and something she quickly determines is just him.

Gently — partly out of self-consciousness, aware that she's out of practice, unaccustomed to feeling wanted at all, partly just because this is nice as it is and she isn't trying to rush — she parts her lips, just a little, an implicit sign of approval. She really doesn't know what the hell she's doing here, and certainly didn't expect this when she left her apartment to clear her head. What she does know, though, is that he's warm and close, and this is infinitely better than being alone with her thoughts. Maybe they even both need that right now.

[semi_stable]

Dani kisses a little like she's unused to it, or she hasn't been shown how, and Bucky thinks back to nights in the back of his car, fogged up windows under orange streetlights. It feels like lifetimes ago and so close all at once, and Bucky smiles into the kiss because he likes being reminded of who he was, and maybe could be again.

When her lips part, Bucky takes it as an invitation to take the lead, pulling back to kiss her a little more firmly, tilting his head a little as he licks into her mouth almost languidly. He kisses as if he's in no rush, because he isn't. He has no plans to try and take it further, and he doesn't expect anything. The kiss alone feels like a gift because it's just so nice to have contact with another person, and to be trusted with being so close to her. It makes him feel like he isn't dangerous.

And if Dani really hasn't been kissed all that much, Bucky knows that he's good at it. He can rest his hand at the nape of her neck and kiss her like a girl like her ought to be kissed, pulling back to breathe before going in for another. Kissing should be fun, after all.

[feelheld]

It isn't a surprise, exactly, when he deepens the kiss, but it's still been a long damn time. Even as she instinctively leans into it, Dani makes a small, soft sound, involuntary, muffled against his mouth. It's just a kiss, and yet it's remarkably heady, too. Maybe it's because of the night she's had — that they've both had, apparently — or maybe it's because she spent too long floundering in a relationship that had long since run its course. Maybe it's just that it's nice to be close to someone, and to feel seen, recognized, without having to talk too much about herself. Or maybe it's even simpler still, that he's incredibly attractive and a very good kisser, and it's easy to want when she feels wanted in turn.

Part of her mind is racing even now, wondering how far he intends for this to go and how far he would like it to, questioning what it says about her past experience that she can be so undone by a kiss, worrying that she'll wind up embarrassing herself. With every moment that passes, though, it's easier to ignore those cycling, anxious thoughts and to focus instead on the warmth of his chest and the way his mouth meets hers. That alone is unexpected, and sort of incredible.

[semi_stable]

Even though Bucky has no plans on trying to take this any further than she wants this to go, he's still a man and it's still been decades since he's been kissed like this, so the quiet sound that she makes sends a shiver of pleasure down his spine. It's a vulnerable sound, so Bucky hums reassuringly in return, sliding his his hand to her jaw so he can tip it back gently with his thumb. His mouth travels softly across her jaw and down the side of her neck, breathing warmly against her skin.

His other hand slides up her back and over her shoulder, down her arm and up again, because there are ways to make a woman feel good that don't include shoving a hand up her shirt or between her legs. And he is making her feel good. He's experienced enough to be able to tell as much, just like he can tell she doesn't have much experience at all. It's not he likes that, exactly, but he likes knowing that he can make her feel good. It's a pleasure all its own just to know that he can give her that. His hands can still do good things, like making a woman with sad eyes shiver against him during a chance encounter on a beach.

As his mouth meets hers again, he slides his hands under her jacket to curl around her hips, fingertips resting in the dimples at the small of her back through her pants. Bucky licks into her mouth, kisses her bottom lip, the tip of her chin.

"Alright?" He asks quietly, giving her hips a brief squeeze as he pulls back just enough to look at her, hoping the question lets her know that he doesn't plan on letting his hands wander too much, or expect anything. He wants so badly to make her feel safe, to make her feel good, and maybe know for sure that he is still capable of such things. He gives her a soft smile, warm and a little playful as his lips brush along her jaw. "Having fun?"

[feelheld]

The strange, rattling thought that persists in the back of Dani's head is that she didn't know it could be like this. Even thinking it — even having little interest in thinking, though she's never been very good at turning that off — she tries to tell herself that that's ridiculous, but it's there all the same. In the beginning, when things between them were actually good and he seemed genuinely interested in her, Christian still never kissed her like this. And while he wasn't her first, high school boys aren't exactly known for their prowess in that regard. This — even just the way his hands roam, gentle but encouraging, as intimate as the rest of this night has unexpectedly been — is a world away from any of that, and it's an unexpected hookup on the beach on a night she was too shaken to sleep. Normally she shuts down at such times. Strange, how much difference it makes to feel seen and acknowledged.

And whatever happens now, she's a hell of a lot better off than she was when she first wandered out here. Perhaps stupidly, she kind of wants to thank him for that, but she also doesn't want to make herself seem even more ridiculous than she probably has already. His question cuts her off, anyway, something fluttering in the pit of her stomach as his lips graze her jaw, her head instinctively falling ever so slightly to the side in turn.

"Yeah," Dani replies, the word a warm rush of air between them, mercifully not sounding as surprised as she feels. It isn't as if she thought she wouldn't enjoy it, or that he wouldn't be good at this. It isn't even as if she's disliked doing things like this before. It's just also never really done all that much for her. Like so much else, she assumed that was something to do with her, but now she's not so certain. The tiniest bit more sure of herself, and an equal amount bolder, she rests her palms against his chest, quietly savoring how it feels just to be close to someone. "You?"

[semi_stable]

Her response sounds a little dreamy, and that makes Bucky feel good because he may be a little rusty, but he can still do this. He can still want this, even after everything, and it’s relieving to know that he isn’t broken. There are still parts of the old Bucky left, and he wants to nurture them.

“I’m good,” he assures her, breathing deeply and letting out a hum of approval as her chilled fingers rest against his bare skin, gentle and delicate. The exact opposite of violence. He wants her to touch him like that everywhere. “Very good.”

Her head tips and Bucky takes it as an invitation to kiss her neck again, lips brushing over her pulse and feeling it flutter. He lets his bottom teeth graze over the spot without applying any pressure, and then touches the same spot with his tongue before moving down to kiss at the juncture of her neck and shoulder before starting to make his way back up.

Bucky places his prosthetic hand low on her back, just at the base of her spine, and drags her the slightest bit closer as his other hand dips under her shirt, fingertips gliding up the center of her back and down again. He watches her face to make sure she still looks comfortable, and then leans in to kiss her on the mouth again. It’s more confident this time, and he moves his metal hand to cradle the back of her head as he deepens it, parting her lips with his tongue with a little more pressure now that she’s allowed him to.

His other hand stays under her shirt, gliding up over her ribs and down her side, and while he wants to feel the weight of her breast in his palm, the closest he strays is dragging a steady hand halfway up her side and letting his thumb rest just below the swell of it before sliding it down to her waist again because he doesn’t want to take from anyone, but least of all her.

[feelheld]

Somewhere in the back of her head, Dani still can't help wondering what the hell she's doing. She's never done this sort of thing before, hooking up entirely impulsively with someone she barely knows. At least he's not a total stranger, but even if he were, she isn't actually sure she would care right now. It feels good to think she might be wanted — for his interest to be apparent but without any sign of pressure. His hand wanders, but he doesn't push ahead, which is probably good when she doesn't know what ahead actually looks like. They're on the beach in the middle of a chilly night, after all, which has the potential to complicate things, or would if they decided to do more than this.

Right now, this is enough. Leaning into the kiss, she's a bit too preoccupied to say anything, but she can give him another indication that she's alright with where this is going, wordlessly answering the likewise unspoken question in his touch. With one hand, she reaches under the bunched fabric of her t-shirt, finding the warm hand he's rested against her side and gently guiding it higher. Even this much feels sort of startlingly public, but it's late, and it's quiet, and it isn't as if they aren't both still fully covered, though she sort of regrets now having put on a bra before she left her apartment.

Easy as it would be to start questioning where this is going, wondering if she's crazy for even considering that he might be interested in more, weighing what that would mean for her, she tries instead just to focus on him and where they are now. Anything else can wait.

[semi_stable]

At a certain point, it becomes harder for Bucky to think about anything other than how good it feels to kiss her, and how soft and warm her skin is under his hand. She's solid and real and it's easy to lose himself to the comfort that she's providing in the moment. They're two consenting adults, and the rest he can worry about later.

When Dani urges his hand higher, Bucky kisses her again, licking into her mouth as cups her breast, feeling the weight of it through the lace. As the kiss deepens, he gives it a gentle squeeze and then finds her nipple with his thumb, circling it slowly and feeling it tighten against the pressure.

The way that she reacts to things is a pleasure all its own, and Bucky knows that he's hard in his jeans, and he knows that she must feel it, too. He won't acknowledge it if she doesn't, he decides, and that's easy enough. He's more focused on the way she responds as he curls his fingers around the lacy edge of her bra and lightly pinches her nipple between the tips of two fingers.

These hands can still do good things, and he wants to use them to do just that.