for dani

[semi_stable]

He still sleeps on the floor.

It isn't something that he's been able to shake, not since his military days. Real beds are too soft, and he could sleep too soundly there, if he managed to fall asleep at all. No, the floor feels more familiar to him, cold wood and a pillow under his head. Always vigilant, even in sleep.

Even though he knows that Darrow is the safest place that he's been in decades, in that no one is after him. He still can't seem to relax in his bed. Or maybe he just doesn't feel like he deserves the luxury of a soft bed and restful sleep, not after all he's done.

After a few hours of tossing and turning, he gives up and pulls on a pair of black joggers and a dark blue hooded sweatshirt, half unzipped with nothing underneath, because who is going to see him anyway? After putting on his sneakers, he grabs his keys and leaves his apartment, feeling too restless to stay in one spot.

He makes his way to the beach, walking along the line where wet sand gives way to dry and listening to the water slap gently at the shore, rushing as it recedes and does it all over again. The rhythm of it is a little soothing, and Bucky takes a deep breath and looks up at the stars as we walks.

Comments

[feelheld]

For a moment, even as his hand moves down her back and up again to her hair, Dani wonders if it's selfish to be sitting here like this. The way he phrased it — out of everyone I ever — suggests something far worse than what she's been through. Her therapist would say that it's not a contest. So would she, for that matter, if she were talking to anyone else. When it's her, though, it's harder to take something like that to heart, easy to feel like she shouldn't ask for or need comfort.

She didn't ask for this, though. He offered, knowing the bare minimum of what she went through. Given what he said, she thinks he might actually get it if he did tell him, though she doesn't trust herself to do so. If asked, she'll answer, but it's an awful thing to have to say, and she's seen the way people look at her once they've learned something like that. There's no taking it back, and she can't stand the pity she's so often gotten in the wake of it.

"It is, yeah," she says, soft and earnest. It may be a strange thing to bond over, given that neither of them has actually said all that much, but that doesn't especially matter. "I… hate that you're going through it too, but I'm glad I ran into you."

[semi_stable]

Her breath is soft and warm against Bucky's neck and he breathes out in return, reveling in the sensation of another body pressed to his. Eventually, Bucky lifts his prosthetic hand from the sand, hesitating for a moment before placing it on Dani's back as well, wrapping both arms around her and holding her closer.

"Sorry, I know that I'm not particularly cuddly," he says with a bit of a self-deprecating laugh, because his left arm is probably cold and hard and uncomfortable against her back, even without him applying any pressure.

"But this is nice," he adds as if he's a little surprised by it, maybe a little shy, because it is nice. "I'm glad that I ran into you, too."

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"No, it's okay," Dani is quick to assure him, shaking her head ever so slightly without pulling away. True as it might be, she can't particularly bring herself to care. It's too nice just to be held, self-conscious as it makes her feel to think so. His having a prosthetic arm doesn't diminish that in the least; it would, she thinks, be pretty shitty of her to think so. At least her annoyance with herself for feeling so moved by such a simple gesture is familiar, and easily quieted under everything else, the comfort of arms around her, the lingering shakiness from dreaming about her family, the way it feels to have found someone who implicitly gets it.

She takes a slow, deep breath, trying to push away the less pleasant of those feelings, too. "It is nice," she agrees, quiet and earnest. "Really."

[semi_stable]

"Thanks," Bucky says quietly, and he isn't even sure why. Maybe he's grateful that she's treating him like a normal person, like someone she doesn't need to be afraid of. He's made so many people afraid of him for so long, and he hates that. He always wanted to be a good friend, someone loyal, someone who could always be relied upon, and they took that and twisted him into something terrifying.

But Dani obviously feels safe with him, alone out here on the beach and wrapped in his arms. It makes him unexpectedly emotional, and he presses his face into her hair as he wraps his arms a little more tightly around her, still careful not to squeeze her too tightly. He's not sure that he could even articulate what she's done for him.

He lets out a warm, shaking breath against her neck and it's only then that he realizes that he's pressed his face there. "It's been a very long time since I've--" He cuts himself off and swallows hard, touching his nose to the soft spot under her ear. "Too long, I think. So, thank you."

[feelheld]

Chilly as the night is, his breath is warm against her neck, his nose, too, where it brushes her skin. Nice as this already was, that slight shift makes it feel all the more intimate, her breath catching with it. Dani doesn't pull away, though. When it's been a long time for her, too, since she's had anyone this close, she knows it's entirely possible that it seems like more than it is, and regardless, it's not a bad feeling at all. She hardly sees how it's anything to thank her for — if anything, she feels sort of selfish for deriving such comfort from it herself — when all she's doing is sitting here, but she doesn't know how to say half of what's in her head, so she doesn't, staying put instead, leaning into him.

"Honestly, it's been kind of a long time for me, too," she admits, voice the slightest bit quieter. She really isn't sure when she was last held like this. Coincidental as their having run into each other out here may be, it's nice, too, to be trusted with this vulnerability. "I haven't... had a lot of people."

She has friends here, but most of them, she's kept at something of a distance, even those she's closest to. Her guard doesn't usually come down like this, and she hates that it did, but having that be met with understanding means more than she would be able to describe. She doubts she would really have wanted this from most of her friends here, anyway, to be so close, so entwined, that it almost, almost feels like the beginning of something else.

[semi_stable]

A long time, they both say, and Bucky wonders if maybe they're also talking about something else. And then he wonders if maybe he's an asshole for noticing how Dani feels pressed against him, soft and feminine and warm. The last time that he was alone with a beautiful woman on a beach, he would have been trying to charm her into a kiss, or whatever else she was willing to give.

That was such a long time ago. He doesn't even know if he could be that person again. But she shifts even closer to him and when his bottom lip brushes her neck, he sort of wishes that he could be.

His eyes fall shut and he chides himself for thinking such things while she's just here needing to be held just as badly as he does. He does his best not to think about how good she smells, or how her breasts feel pressed against his chest. Instead he moves one arm under her thighs and lifts her easily, tugging her sideways into his lap as he leans back against the lifeguard shack, moving them into a position that they could remain in for some time, if they wanted. He is in no rush to move, anyway.

"This alright?" He asks as he loops his arms around her waist, tipping his head back to rest against the weathered wood as he looks at her face, reaching up to brush her hair out of her face and tuck it behind her ear. "You warm enough?"

[feelheld]

The way he moves her so easily and pulls her closer steals the breath from Dani for a moment, though not at all in an unpleasant way. Quite the contrary, actually; he's warm and solid, and the quiet understanding between them makes her feel safe. She hasn't said much at all about what brought her out here — hasn't gone into any details, anyway — and still it's more than she usually says to anyone. It isn't that she's ashamed of what happened to her family, exactly. But it's a heavy weight to carry, and it's easier, or at least she sometimes feels like it's easier, to keep it tucked away, as small as she can make it. Having someone who gets it, though, at least as far as recognizing that that weight is there at all, is more comforting right now than she cares to admit.

Besides, it's been longer still since she was close like this with someone, a shiver running through her when his lip brushes her neck. She doesn't know how to begin to explain that it makes her feel halfway here, like an actual, present, living person, so she nods in response to both questions instead, leaning just a little into his hand as his fingers ghost over her temple. "Yeah," she says, her voice the slightest bit hoarse, and if her gaze drops to his mouth for just a moment, well, he's very close, and she's only human. "Very alright."

[semi_stable]

Their faces are so close, and he wonders if maybe he's an awful person for thinking what he's thinking at a time like this, when she's just been so vulnerable with him. The last thing that he would ever want to do is to take advantage of that, even in his thoughts, but then her eyes drop to his mouth and his tongue sneaks out to wet his bottom lip almost on instinct.

At least they seem to be on the same page, but still. It probably isn't a good idea. Or maybe it would be. How bad could it be for them to just feel something else? Something good, if even for a moment.

His hand rests against the side of her head and he leans in slowly, giving her ample time to pull back before pressing a soft kiss to the corner of her mouth.

[feelheld]

She probably shouldn't be doing this. For a moment, Dani feels a surge of guilt for it, half-tempted to apologize before she realizes that's stupid. He's the one who pulled her closer, who asked if it was alright, and she meant it when she said it was. It feels good not to be so alone, in more ways than one. Brief as it is when his lips touch hers, it makes her realize that she doesn't even remember the last time she was kissed. It's hardly been on her mind or anything, but god, is it nice to change that.

She doesn't pull away, nor does she press further, staying close, her forehead resting against his. "Yeah," she says again, the word nothing more than an exhale between them, but, she hopes, clear enough permission. This may well be the last thing she expected when she left her apartment tonight, but she feels a hell of a lot better than she did then, so that has to count for something.

[semi_stable]

It's probably not the best idea, but then, would it be, really? They're adults. Broken adults, to be sure, but if they can spend just a little bit of time feeling something else other than that break, they should do it.

Dani's forehead rests against his and while she doesn't move to kiss him, she doesn't pull away either. He's given her ample time to move, and nothing about her actions makes Bucky think that she's uncomfortable. Consent in such situations had always been important to him, but so much more so now, after having his own taken away from him for decades.

He kisses her again, fully on the mouth this time, and reaches up to slides his fingers into her hair, cupping the the base of her skull. His tongue slides briefly along her lower lip, but he gives her another closed mouth kiss, eyes falling shut as their mouths linger together.

[feelheld]

Although she'd already been thinking that she doesn't remember the last time she was kissed, Dani realizes when he leans in again that she definitely doesn't remember the last time she was kissed like this. He kisses her like it's something he wants to be doing, not just perfunctory and without interest. While she wouldn't have agreed to this if she had doubts about it, that makes it even easier for her to respond in kind, meeting him halfway. If, for a moment, she thinks of bright sun and fragrant flowers and cheers, it's gone just as quickly, impossible to identify, replaced with the gentle crash of waves on the shore and the smell of salt in the air and something she quickly determines is just him.

Gently — partly out of self-consciousness, aware that she's out of practice, unaccustomed to feeling wanted at all, partly just because this is nice as it is and she isn't trying to rush — she parts her lips, just a little, an implicit sign of approval. She really doesn't know what the hell she's doing here, and certainly didn't expect this when she left her apartment to clear her head. What she does know, though, is that he's warm and close, and this is infinitely better than being alone with her thoughts. Maybe they even both need that right now.

[semi_stable]

Dani kisses a little like she's unused to it, or she hasn't been shown how, and Bucky thinks back to nights in the back of his car, fogged up windows under orange streetlights. It feels like lifetimes ago and so close all at once, and Bucky smiles into the kiss because he likes being reminded of who he was, and maybe could be again.

When her lips part, Bucky takes it as an invitation to take the lead, pulling back to kiss her a little more firmly, tilting his head a little as he licks into her mouth almost languidly. He kisses as if he's in no rush, because he isn't. He has no plans to try and take it further, and he doesn't expect anything. The kiss alone feels like a gift because it's just so nice to have contact with another person, and to be trusted with being so close to her. It makes him feel like he isn't dangerous.

And if Dani really hasn't been kissed all that much, Bucky knows that he's good at it. He can rest his hand at the nape of her neck and kiss her like a girl like her ought to be kissed, pulling back to breathe before going in for another. Kissing should be fun, after all.

[feelheld]

It isn't a surprise, exactly, when he deepens the kiss, but it's still been a long damn time. Even as she instinctively leans into it, Dani makes a small, soft sound, involuntary, muffled against his mouth. It's just a kiss, and yet it's remarkably heady, too. Maybe it's because of the night she's had — that they've both had, apparently — or maybe it's because she spent too long floundering in a relationship that had long since run its course. Maybe it's just that it's nice to be close to someone, and to feel seen, recognized, without having to talk too much about herself. Or maybe it's even simpler still, that he's incredibly attractive and a very good kisser, and it's easy to want when she feels wanted in turn.

Part of her mind is racing even now, wondering how far he intends for this to go and how far he would like it to, questioning what it says about her past experience that she can be so undone by a kiss, worrying that she'll wind up embarrassing herself. With every moment that passes, though, it's easier to ignore those cycling, anxious thoughts and to focus instead on the warmth of his chest and the way his mouth meets hers. That alone is unexpected, and sort of incredible.

[semi_stable]

Even though Bucky has no plans on trying to take this any further than she wants this to go, he's still a man and it's still been decades since he's been kissed like this, so the quiet sound that she makes sends a shiver of pleasure down his spine. It's a vulnerable sound, so Bucky hums reassuringly in return, sliding his his hand to her jaw so he can tip it back gently with his thumb. His mouth travels softly across her jaw and down the side of her neck, breathing warmly against her skin.

His other hand slides up her back and over her shoulder, down her arm and up again, because there are ways to make a woman feel good that don't include shoving a hand up her shirt or between her legs. And he is making her feel good. He's experienced enough to be able to tell as much, just like he can tell she doesn't have much experience at all. It's not he likes that, exactly, but he likes knowing that he can make her feel good. It's a pleasure all its own just to know that he can give her that. His hands can still do good things, like making a woman with sad eyes shiver against him during a chance encounter on a beach.

As his mouth meets hers again, he slides his hands under her jacket to curl around her hips, fingertips resting in the dimples at the small of her back through her pants. Bucky licks into her mouth, kisses her bottom lip, the tip of her chin.

"Alright?" He asks quietly, giving her hips a brief squeeze as he pulls back just enough to look at her, hoping the question lets her know that he doesn't plan on letting his hands wander too much, or expect anything. He wants so badly to make her feel safe, to make her feel good, and maybe know for sure that he is still capable of such things. He gives her a soft smile, warm and a little playful as his lips brush along her jaw. "Having fun?"

[feelheld]

The strange, rattling thought that persists in the back of Dani's head is that she didn't know it could be like this. Even thinking it — even having little interest in thinking, though she's never been very good at turning that off — she tries to tell herself that that's ridiculous, but it's there all the same. In the beginning, when things between them were actually good and he seemed genuinely interested in her, Christian still never kissed her like this. And while he wasn't her first, high school boys aren't exactly known for their prowess in that regard. This — even just the way his hands roam, gentle but encouraging, as intimate as the rest of this night has unexpectedly been — is a world away from any of that, and it's an unexpected hookup on the beach on a night she was too shaken to sleep. Normally she shuts down at such times. Strange, how much difference it makes to feel seen and acknowledged.

And whatever happens now, she's a hell of a lot better off than she was when she first wandered out here. Perhaps stupidly, she kind of wants to thank him for that, but she also doesn't want to make herself seem even more ridiculous than she probably has already. His question cuts her off, anyway, something fluttering in the pit of her stomach as his lips graze her jaw, her head instinctively falling ever so slightly to the side in turn.

"Yeah," Dani replies, the word a warm rush of air between them, mercifully not sounding as surprised as she feels. It isn't as if she thought she wouldn't enjoy it, or that he wouldn't be good at this. It isn't even as if she's disliked doing things like this before. It's just also never really done all that much for her. Like so much else, she assumed that was something to do with her, but now she's not so certain. The tiniest bit more sure of herself, and an equal amount bolder, she rests her palms against his chest, quietly savoring how it feels just to be close to someone. "You?"

[semi_stable]

Her response sounds a little dreamy, and that makes Bucky feel good because he may be a little rusty, but he can still do this. He can still want this, even after everything, and it’s relieving to know that he isn’t broken. There are still parts of the old Bucky left, and he wants to nurture them.

“I’m good,” he assures her, breathing deeply and letting out a hum of approval as her chilled fingers rest against his bare skin, gentle and delicate. The exact opposite of violence. He wants her to touch him like that everywhere. “Very good.”

Her head tips and Bucky takes it as an invitation to kiss her neck again, lips brushing over her pulse and feeling it flutter. He lets his bottom teeth graze over the spot without applying any pressure, and then touches the same spot with his tongue before moving down to kiss at the juncture of her neck and shoulder before starting to make his way back up.

Bucky places his prosthetic hand low on her back, just at the base of her spine, and drags her the slightest bit closer as his other hand dips under her shirt, fingertips gliding up the center of her back and down again. He watches her face to make sure she still looks comfortable, and then leans in to kiss her on the mouth again. It’s more confident this time, and he moves his metal hand to cradle the back of her head as he deepens it, parting her lips with his tongue with a little more pressure now that she’s allowed him to.

His other hand stays under her shirt, gliding up over her ribs and down her side, and while he wants to feel the weight of her breast in his palm, the closest he strays is dragging a steady hand halfway up her side and letting his thumb rest just below the swell of it before sliding it down to her waist again because he doesn’t want to take from anyone, but least of all her.

[feelheld]

Somewhere in the back of her head, Dani still can't help wondering what the hell she's doing. She's never done this sort of thing before, hooking up entirely impulsively with someone she barely knows. At least he's not a total stranger, but even if he were, she isn't actually sure she would care right now. It feels good to think she might be wanted — for his interest to be apparent but without any sign of pressure. His hand wanders, but he doesn't push ahead, which is probably good when she doesn't know what ahead actually looks like. They're on the beach in the middle of a chilly night, after all, which has the potential to complicate things, or would if they decided to do more than this.

Right now, this is enough. Leaning into the kiss, she's a bit too preoccupied to say anything, but she can give him another indication that she's alright with where this is going, wordlessly answering the likewise unspoken question in his touch. With one hand, she reaches under the bunched fabric of her t-shirt, finding the warm hand he's rested against her side and gently guiding it higher. Even this much feels sort of startlingly public, but it's late, and it's quiet, and it isn't as if they aren't both still fully covered, though she sort of regrets now having put on a bra before she left her apartment.

Easy as it would be to start questioning where this is going, wondering if she's crazy for even considering that he might be interested in more, weighing what that would mean for her, she tries instead just to focus on him and where they are now. Anything else can wait.

[semi_stable]

At a certain point, it becomes harder for Bucky to think about anything other than how good it feels to kiss her, and how soft and warm her skin is under his hand. She's solid and real and it's easy to lose himself to the comfort that she's providing in the moment. They're two consenting adults, and the rest he can worry about later.

When Dani urges his hand higher, Bucky kisses her again, licking into her mouth as cups her breast, feeling the weight of it through the lace. As the kiss deepens, he gives it a gentle squeeze and then finds her nipple with his thumb, circling it slowly and feeling it tighten against the pressure.

The way that she reacts to things is a pleasure all its own, and Bucky knows that he's hard in his jeans, and he knows that she must feel it, too. He won't acknowledge it if she doesn't, he decides, and that's easy enough. He's more focused on the way she responds as he curls his fingers around the lacy edge of her bra and lightly pinches her nipple between the tips of two fingers.

These hands can still do good things, and he wants to use them to do just that.